Things Mrs. G's Kids Will NEVER Let Her Forget or Mother Mocking 101

The Coffee Tree

One summer Mrs. G. and her kids were studying basic biology with a shot of botany, and she decided that she and the children needed to actually grow things to truly appreciate the riveting life of seeds and plants. Like many homeschooling mothers, Mrs. G. is the queen of working with what’s cheap or free available. Give a homeschooling mother a toilet paper roll, some dental floss and a wad of aluminum foil and she will figure out a way to turn them into teaching tools or hot-glue-gun them to a Campbell’s soup can and transform them into some sort of solar powered go-cart engine. They are a resourceful bunch. Mrs. G. started scanning the kitchen looking for things to grow. She looked in the vegetable crisper and voila: instant rain forest. She and the kids grew little avocado trees on the window sill. They put a sweet potato stabbed with toothpicks into a jelly jar full of water and watched in awe as the eyes burgeoned into fluffy green leaves. They planted lemon and orange seeds in Dixie cups. Everything germinated and it was magic, a suburban crop of magic. An enthusiastic beater of the dead horse, Mrs. G. decided this botany lesson would not be complete unless she and the kids tried to grow a coffee tree. So she planted a coffee bean in some Miracle-Gro potting soil and a clay pot and put it in her sunniest window. She tenderly misted the soil several times a day to recreate the lush humid coffee fields of Juan Valdez. And yet, nothing. Weeks passed and, again, nothing. One afternoon Mrs. G. was sitting in front of the coffee tree willing it to poke its little green nubbin out of the soil when her daughter came in and casually asked her where she got the coffee bean. "Out of the Starbucks bag in the freezer," Mrs. G. said. Mrs. G’s daughter rolled her eyes and said, "Mom those beans are roasted…roasted as in heated… to death," and then she proceeded to yell to her brother that Mom had tried to grow a dead roasted coffee been and the two of them heartlessly rolled on the ground laughing hysterically. Mrs. G. took the coffee tree pot, threw it in the trash and stomped off to her room where she proceeded to lick her wounds and soothe herself with a People magazine and a Snicker’s bar.



The Lemur

One day, while visiting the zoo, Mrs. G. and her kids spent quite a while in their zoo’s ultra cool nocturnal house. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they started to notice the fruit bats hanging from the ceiling and the possums, porcupines and raccoons scurrying in the leaves below. Something moved on one of the exhibit's many tree limbs and Mrs. G. loudly whispered, "Look it’s a lemur and it looks just like Zaboomafoo." "Who?" said her kids in unison. "Zaboomafoo, the lemur on Kratt’s Creatures," Mrs. G. explained, already sensing the scorn. "Mom," said her son, "Zaboomafu is a puppet. It is not a real lemur." Again with the hysterical laughter and the disrespectful finger pointing. "Didn’t you notice that Zaboomafoo talks…that his mouth moves? That he speaks human English?" No, in fact, Mrs. G. had not noticed, because when she watched Kratt's Creatures, she was frequently fantasizing about the Kratt brothers Martin and Chris so engrossed in the amazing world of her animal brethren.



The Vomit

One afternoon, Mrs. G’s beloved Dalmatian Bella threw up eight Greenie bones and a half a bag of Cheetos on the living room floor. Mrs. G. is not good with bodily fluids of any kind. At all. She was fine with her own babies, but one time when she was babysitting a friend's child, the little boy disappeared behind her couch to have a private moment and, seconds later, there was the unmistakable sound of exploding bowels. It was a bad scene. Mrs. G, and she is not proud of this, handed the toddler a disposable diaper and some wipes, pointed him towards the bathroom and told the little guy to do what he had to do. He was on his own. She stood outside the bathroom door in an effort to give him verbal instructions and provide moral support. She felt it was the least she could do.

Back to the dog’s large pile of vomit on the living room floor. Mrs. G. hid in a corner of her living room and screamed for her daughter to come quick. Her daughter came into the room and after several minutes of heated debate involving talking points like don’t make me beat your ass and drive this dog back to the pound right this very minute, Mrs. G's daughter heroically grabbed the little fireplace shovel and proceeded to scoop the vomit up and put it into a brown paper Trader Joes bag. Mrs. G. just cowered and dry heaved in her little corner while her daughter did what had to be done. Mrs. G’s daughter drew the line at cleaning off the brass fireplace shovel so rather than hosing it off like a normal person, Mrs. G. just threw the damn thing away.




The Blood

There was time Mrs. G. was reading when she heard a loud THUMP. Her son was napping on his top bunk bed, so she immediately suspected that something was not right. The ensuing screaming of oww my head! oww my head! confirmed her initial suspicion. Mrs. G. is so afraid of blood that she freezes and nearly faints when she comes into contact with it. Mrs. G, ran down the hall toward her son’s cries and stood outside his door. "Son, are you OK?" she asked as he continued to cry owww my head! oww my head! "Son, are you, ah, bleeding?" Mrs. G. asked, her feet frozen to the floor. Noooo…it was only then, after at least 96 seconds of child abuse and overt medical neglect, that Mrs G. busted into his room and rushed to hug and comfort him and check his pupils for signs of concussion. Mrs. G’s children experienced this delayed response to emergencies so often that in a attempt to survive the skinned knees and rusty nails of childhood, they learned to yell Mom I hurt myself but I’m not BLEEDING in order to receive boo-boo healing kisses or any medical attention that required a Band aid or a spritz of Bactine.



The Racehorse

In 2001, one of Mrs. G’s students came up to her after class and asked her if she had read the bestselling book called Seabiscuit: An American Legend by Laura Hillenbrand. He told her it was about this amazing true story about a thoroughbred that became a symbol of hope to many Americans during the Great Depression. Mrs. G. was so swept up that one of her students was using the phrase symbol of hope and referencing the Great Depression, that she didn’t bat an eye when he went on to earnestly tell her that the most inspirational part of this book was the fact that Seabiscuit had only three legs… that he was a three-legged race horse.

So, naturally, Mrs. G. went home and relayed the story to her family at dinner. When she got to the part about Seabiscuit having only three legs, the silence was deafening. Mrs. G. would like to point out that when she is not cooking and cleaning and educating her two kids, she spends a good portion of her week educating other people’s children and reminding them for the 2,345th time the difference between there, their and they’re and that 'cause is not a word. Yes, it would be hard to gallop with only three legs, but cut her some slack. And that student that punk’d her with this false information? She failed his ass. *


*She didn't really fail his hate mail please.

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Reader Comments (77)

Oh, the poop and the vomit get my gag on like nobody's business.

November 29, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBipolarLawyerCook

I swear I'm laughing WITH you Mrs. G! :-D

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterZenmomma

Oh I'm right there with you on the vomit! I hate cleaning other people's nastiness up.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGinaagain

By the way, is that a real photo of your dog? She's gorgeous!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGinaagain

Oh my gosh this is one of the funniest things I have ever read. The term "exploding bowels" has me howling. I think one reason I was able to laugh so hard was because you just lifted away years of guilt caused by my fantasies over the cute little shorts those Kratt brothers wear.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWho asked you?

Gina, unfortunately this is not Mrs. G's Bella. She was in Mrs. G's life before digital cameras and Mrs. G. doesn't know how to work a photo scanner. Bella was even more beautiful than this dog, and some day, Mrs. G. is going to have another dalmatian in her life...are you reading this Mr. G. Her new year's goal is to wear you down. The kids will totally back her up.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. G.

I love Martin and Chris Kratt. It is one of the many things I miss of the U.S. I used to spend the whole show thinking about what it would be like to have a show with a sibling and how my brother and I would end up beating each other with our own body parts by the end of it. I did know that Zaboomafoo was a puppet, at least for the bits inside the clubhouse. I think there were sequences where he wasn't a puppet, some sort of lemur extra would stand in for him. Maybe the bits where they would talk about lemur family life or something.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSchuyler

As a formerly homeschooled child myself- in your children's defense - may I just say this: When you are homeschooled, your options for cruel teasing and making fun of misinformation and mild stupidity are limited by not being in a regular public classroom. With no classmates it is imperative that you find sources for this outlet, You seize every opportunity that comes your way to point and laugh at anyone who gets something remotely wrong...or you may spontaneous combust - consequently, The Mothers often get it. This is really why school was invented.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMary Alice

Thanks for a wonderful month, Mrs. G. I'll be stopping by for coffee on a regular basis.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterProfessor J

All of us must have stories like this, because while trying not to repeat our own mothers' mistakes, we are wide open for new ones. When I watched babies of friends, I used to pay my daughter $2 to change the poopy diapers. Now, at the age of 22, she's a pro. But she swears she will never have kids of her own.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPatti

I like all the stories, but the blood one made me think, "So much for unconditional love." "Sure,honey, I'll save your life, but only if you're not bleeding. You're bleeding? Hey, you're on your own."

Now I'm going over to Mary Alice's place to thank her for her explanation.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersuburbancorrespondent

These are great stories Mrs. G!!! There is nothing like being the brunt of a laughing bunch of kids, is there?
I'll have to tell you about the 4 point duck later...

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterShabbyInTheCity

I am so with you on these!!! Thanks for the great laughs.

PS. I see you removed the "other" field for signing in. I only ask because, for those of us with blogs not on blogger, we appreciate being able to sign in through our own blog.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAuthorMomWithDogs

So, you'll totally understand why, when she experienced projectile vomit on the tiled bathroom floor not once but twice in the same night, my daughter was given a toothbrush and a bucket of bleach water with the caveat: I hope you feel better in the morning, but if you don't get the vomit out of the grout, you're going to feel even worse than you do now.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMary Ann

This is hilarious--I've never seen Kratt's Creatures, but when my son was into The Wiggles, I'd get through the episode by fantasizing about Anthony Wiggle--he was totally hot (and had awesome sideburns).

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I. am. chortling. Thanks to the NaBloMoBataanDeathMarch for bringing us together.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterstanding still

Mrs. G -- your children just do not appreciate your efforts. I could've done the coffee bean tree thing, too.


November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFamily Adventure

You're a bad mommy. I'll NEVER forgive my mommy for freaking out when the neighbour's dog bit my face. I was 4 screaming my head off, bleeding like a stuck pig with flaps of skin hanging off my face and my MOTHER just stood there (inside the screen door) looking green. I had to run into the orchard and find my dad so he could take me to the emergency.

Also, my most stupid moment was when Morris the cat died and the next time I saw a Morris the cat commercial I mentioned to all those watching with me, how amazing it was that they found another cat that not only looked like the old Morris, but also had the same voice. Gah!!!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterURBAN PEDESTRIAN

This morning, I was reminded of something that I'll never let myself forget (and may mention via blog soon) ... A year or two ago, I went into Toys R Us and asked if they sold ... erection sets.


November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterso NOT cool

Mrs. G, these stories are hilarious. I can only imagine the things The Kid will one day tease me about.

And thanks for all the NaBloPoMo encouragement and inspiration!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

I am dehydrated after that post, I wasn't able to sip my tea,like I would normally. Because I was laughing so hard, I was hunched over the keyboard and wiping away the tears. -love you mrs.g!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

Oh, man, this is great. I especially love the coffee bean story.

Look forward to seeing you back in a few days!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKeetha

hahahah I'm hurt but not bleeding...LMAO!

I made it thru...but unfortunately my blog is seriously ill and no one can see any of the posts :-(

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

Oh, thank God. All these years I thought I was the only one.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterVallen

Shame on you for saving the best for last and making the rest of us, scraping the bottom of the posting barrel, look bad.

On the other hand, today, in this very moment, after reading this post, I think I might be a little bit in love with you. :P

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterK.

Mmmm, Kratt brothers. That show was successful for a reason.

(Bad Mom & her darling Stu, are good people. Know why? My girl redecorated their bathroom with special spendover vomit - why does it always seem to happen in the middle of the night? - and they still like us. True measure of friendship.)

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

Thanks for sharing all the hilarious stories! I always leave here smiling. It will be hard to wait through the weekends to hear from you again! ;)

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDeanne

As always, you have entertained me greatly and caused me to nearly spill my drink, thereby ruining my computer and depriving me of all things Derfwad.

Enjoy your weekend. You've earned this break!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer (Jen on the Edge)

Mrs. G.

I only had time to read the Mother Mocking 101...but I was VERY entertained. I have to say, though...on The Vomit segment...I tracked my cursor over EXPLODING BOWELS hoping that it was a hotlink. Does that make me a bad person?

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCrouton Lung

LOL @ "I'm hurt, but I'm not bleeding!" :-) Smart kids!

As for the lemur issue, I do have to say in your defense that the show appears to use a puppet for close-ups and conversations, but does intermittently show a real lemur doing lemur-y things. Least I believe so. ;^)

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterB.E.C.K.

Oh, and congrats on NaBloPoMo!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterStarshine

Great stories! My sister and I like to remind our mother of the time she was playing "Go Fish" with us, and when we reminded her it was her turn, she said, "Do you have a...crabtree?" My sister and I started cracking up! I think our mom was dreaming about what her next purchase would be from Crabtree and Evelyn!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterStarshine

I'm safe. My children are grown and they know if they mock me I have some stories to tell in retaliation. The embarrass much easier than I do.

I loved those growing those sweet potato vines on little toothpick legs tho.


November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersee you there!

What in the hell? I think my husband commented on your blog! He's apparently working overtime trying to redeem his reputation. At any rate, I'm sure your use of "exploding bowels" won you a new fan.

Funny, funny post. Those are some wonderfully smart(ass) kids you've got there!

Thanks for doing the NaBloPoBoogie with me. It's been real, baby.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

big fat "MWAH!" and thank you a months worth of smiles and tears (of laughter of course)...thanks for finding me!

(letting my kids watch pbs while i nap is still homeschooling, yes?)

ps: hey, your work there is done re: the botany lesson. if you're daughter knew that since the bean was roasted it was dead, then i think she passes with an A. and so do you for your efforts. :-)


November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermama_nomad

Mrs. G. has to give a special shout out to Crouton Lung...the only male besides Mr. G. to comment on her blog. She would also like to point out that she was the only one who admonished his wife for her lack of sympathy regarding his obvious clear and present danger.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. G.

mrs.g. You are the best.Rest up now,but please don't make us wait too long for our next "Derfwad Fix" :p

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Sez..

Me and vomit? We're NOT friends. I can't even stand it when I vomit and try to avoid it at all costs. Grossness!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterML

Oh, the Kratt brothers. Sigh. Back in my early days of motherhood, before I got all crunchy and still had a TV, I would watch the Kratt brothers. While my child napped. I forgot all about them until seeing their picture here today.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSimple Blog Writer

I need someone to pick me up off of the floor. I can't see through my tears of laughter. Hysterical, all of favorite one is the three legged race horse!! I can just see the incredulous eyes of your family.
Thanks for so much fun.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterellen

I have to confess that, even in our forties, my sister and I still mock our mother about certain historical events. There are several words that, when said in Mom's presence, produce guffaws of laughter from us, and a good blush from Mom.

I just found you via NaBloNonsense, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly


And congrats, you made it!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Oh crap, I forgot to mention that I too, fantasized about the Kratt brothers. The one was way hotter than the others, but they both had great legs.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGina

The coffee bean thing? Sounds like something I would do.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJennu

Mrs. G, this post is illuminating, hilarious, and wonderful all at the same time. You're the best. Well done on NaBlo too! What a way to end the month :-). My own final post reeks of apathy.

Also, I would like you to know you're not alone in your medical neglect of children re blood. My own mother hovered at the door prior to a particularly nasty session of surgery involving vast quantities of my blood. Had it not been for my pleading eyes and the withering glare of the surgeon I actually think she would have gone and got a coffee for the duration rather than offer the much-needed support. She even uttered the words "Do I have to?" before conceding defeat.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterUrbanCowgirl

If you are steelhead fishing, I'll be happy to come up and help you eat the catch.

Good luck with breaking down Mr. G. on the dog issue, but think about dogs and vomit. Have you heard of the Hurka Gurka alarm clock? It has no snooze alarm because the sound of the alarm is the sound of a dog/cat/young child preparing to relive a recent meal. Guaranteed to get the owner/parent up and moving instantly!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkabbage

Forgot to share a story on the blood thing. In the dark ages of the late 1970s, we were allowed to do a blood typing lab in biology. Think of it! Multitudes of young humans stabbing themselves and/or classmates with (formerly, after the first stab) sterile stabby things whose real name I can't remember at the moment. All that biological hazard material flying.

Anyway, one kid in my class felt faint and headed off to get a drink of water. He passed out and broke his nose on the water fountain. Unable to deal with the social ridicule, he transferred to an out-of-state private school after that year. He went on to become a physician.

Life is funny sometimes.

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkabbage

I have never been good with bodily fluids either. Have fun fishing! Myself, I'm going to be taking a looong nap!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Your blood phobia is very similar to my mom's. Imagine how awful it was for us when my dad was gone to sea (he was in the Navy) and my poor mother had to deal with loose teeth, open wounds, and the like.

Thank you so much for all of your delightful posts for the past 30 days. It has been quite a ride :)

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterms-teacher! You've gone out with a swagger, a beaut of a post. Sorry if that isn't a real word, but it works in this moment.

Personally, the fact that you could grow anything is impressive to me. Me with the black thumbs. Your flight to your room and the subsequent snickers bar and trashy magazine goes straight to my heart.

I've come to learn by being a mom that dealing with vomit is a well needed skill. Haven't dealt with dog vomit, but cat vomit aplenty. Especially when the cat wolfs down pizza or chicken stew from Trader Joe's.

You are a gem. Thanks for a great month of posts. Oh, and I've been meaning to tell you - love your new photo!

November 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJCK

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