Personal Ad
Thursday, October 11, 2012 at 11:31PM Mrs. G. This post was originally published in January of 2008 when Mrs. G. had 11 readers.
When Mrs. G. was 21, she answered her first and only personal ad in the Willamette Weekly, a local reader covering all the happenings in the Portland city and escort scene. The ad simply read:
Funny, cynical guy looking for friend to hang out with. I like crossword puzzles, velvet Elvis paintings and live theatre.
What she did was just sit there, stunned, and have dinner with him. Mrs. G. wishes she could tell you that after a few margaritas and some nachos, they laughed and got to know each other and went on to become lifelong friends, but she can't, because that would be a fat ass lie. She lacked the substance and maturity that now, 24 years later, lead her to shuck the norm and generally embrace what's right in front of her face. Mrs. G. and this fellow did have drinks and food and discuss their jobs and politics and just about every subject other than the fact that he was wheel chair bound and needed help positioning his drinking straw and eating his food. They were both too terrified to mention it. The evening was an agonizing tutorial on how to spend an evening frozen in fear. And truthfully, disabled or not, he was not Mrs. G's type. He disliked cats and dogs. He was a Republican. When dinner was over, they discussed the weather until the busboy cleared the table and the waitress brought the check. They split the bill fifty-fifty and said their goodbye's. He gave Mrs. G. his phone number, but didn't ask for hers. She didn't say she would call, and he knew she probably wouldn't.
Walking home, Mrs. G. felt anger that this guy hadn't given her any kind of heads up. She told him he could recognize her by her blonde hair and glasses. He told her he would be the guy wearing the black shirt. She felt ambushed and manipulated. She went home, climbed into bed, and never shared the reality of this evening with anyone except for Mr. G, ten years after they were married. Because along with the anger, she felt so much shame and regret. Shame that she could not face her fear and simply ask the guy so why are you in a wheel chair? This straightfoward question might have allowed them to muscle through the discomfort and make their way towards a genuine conversation. She still regrets she couldn't grant him the grace of an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blind date, one evening where the most he had to worry about was whether he had food in his teeth or enough cash in his pocket to cover the tip.
Looking back, Mrs. G. understands the courage this guy had to muster to roll himself into that Mexican restaurant, introduce himself to an unknown young woman, and, nervously, apprehensively, let the chips fall where they may. He was testing Mrs. G. And she failed.
Back in the Day
Reader Comments (50)
Do your cheeks still burn hot when you think about this? Mine do - well not for you, but for the younger me in a similar situation. I was an awkward teen and yet there is still no excuse.
It's not a proud moment but I do realize now we were both young kids fumbling to connect. I just didn't have the right stuff at the time.
You really come off sounding like a self-centered twit in this piece.
Anon Tonight, I can see how you could feel this way. This wasn't meant to be a self-flattering post. It was what it was.
Just wow. This is about as effed-up as personal ads/online dating gets. Maybe "friend to hang out with" was supposed to tip you off? That being said, two other people have told me these tales: a friend of mine answered a potential date in, I dunno, E-Harmony, or Match.com...one of those sites...and was met at a restaurant by person weighing around 600 pounds. And another woman I know was met by a guy who was blind. He didn't mention anything when she said she would meet him at the restaurant and that she had shoulder length blonde hair and white glasses. The front of the house woman led him to the blonde with glasses. They ended up in a brief relationship, and are still friends.
The lesson is that hope springs eternal. No matter how damaged we are, at least some of us have the brio/moxie/confidence to surge ahead and assume that any serious flaws can be overwhelmed by the sheer force of our personality and charm.
If only the wiser version of ourselves could whisper into the ear of our younger selves.... and yet it's living these moments (and reflecting upon them) that brings wisdom.
And even more important than self reflection.... this post surely means I was one of your original 11 readers!!! I remember it well.
Thank you, your writing always makes me think.
I think this is beautifully and tenderly written and I admire you for telling the story. We're human and we can't always rise successfully to the occasion.
I'm a new reader and I will be back! Looking forward to catching up on all the Bigger Loves!
I don't think "You really come off sounding like a self-centered twit in this piece." at all. I think you sounded like a young woman thrown into a vey unexpected and unusual for you situation and dealt with it probably better than a lot of people would. Did you run screaming from the room? Had you spent much time previously in the company of people who required a lot of assistance in that way? Were you expecting this to happen? I am guessing the answer is no so your younger self definitely should be cut some slack I reckon.
I also will wake up at 3am and remember my failures as a human being. A person does their best, and learns...that is what youth is about!
I think many of us have been in the position where we wish we had a do over. I have had two episodes in my life that I still think about, forty years later and wish I hadn't done what I did and still wonder why I did what I did.
Remember, we are human and imperfect.....and if anything, we do learn from our experiences.
I remember this post!
I'd say you sound human. Show me one person who hasn't kicked themselves, even years later, for how they handled, or didn't handle, a situation. I know there are plenty that I would re-do. As I tell my kids, the best you can hope for is to learn from the mistakes and mishaps that are an inevitable part of life.
I run through my failings all the time. I tend to obsess over what I might have done differently as of thinking over it will change things so I get it. I don't think I would have ever had the guts to answer the add so at least that's something. In the end, though, I think you do the best you can even if that means you fail and it's brave to be honest about when you fail to others.
I think most of us have "do-over" moments in our life. Hopefully we learn and we do better next time.
Darla
Am I the only one who thinks this guy might have contributed to the awkwardness of the situation by not mentioning he was a paraplegic? Maybe if you'd had a a day or two to process he was in a wheel chair the evening would have gone in a much better direction.
I also don't think you come across as self-centered, you were young. You learn from experiences, and if the situation arose now it would be different, and you'd probably ask him what happened. He'd probably been burnt before, which is why he didn't tell you, but I don't think that was fair to you...but take the credit that you didn't leave (and others might have).
I love this piece, but I am hampered by my reluctance to traipse down my OWN memory lane to rediscover incidents where I was equally immature. Good on you, Mrs. G, for your courageous revelation and honesty.
MAN! This was tough to read. I feel for both of you. You were just kids in a tough spot. That hindsight business is true, huh? I'll be thinking about this one today.
I agree with Trash. Cut yourself some slack.
And I must have been one of the 11 also because I remember this post. Look how far you have spread your talent!
Also, I remember something Maya Angelou said: We did then what we knew then; when we knew better, we did better.
I think of that any time I am heading towards beating myself up for something in the past.
Seems to me that part of the point of this post is that we are all self-centered twits on occasion. This is a tough one, The guy probably didn't say anything because he was desperate not to be defined by the wheelchair, but by not saying anything, that became his defining characteristic.
I'm tearing up Mrs. G. I love this post and love you for posting it.
You were young and I think it says something that you wish you had behaved differently. You had dinner with him, and perhaps that was all he wanted.
In his defense, maybe he didn't tell you because he was looking for that person who could treat him in a certain way, get past his wheelchair and see him as a human being with failings like the rest of us. You may have passed the test, really, because you stayed. Yes, he could have made it easier on you, but perhaps that wouldn't have told him what he needed to know. Maybe you weren't his type either and he was being kind to you. You'll never know.
My brother is a quad. He had an accident at 20 that changed his life. 20 years later he is happily married to a wonderful woman who loves his heart and his mind. He was lonely as a young man and yes his chair was a barrier to most female relationships. But, you know what, he was a catch. A good, kind, bright, successful man who loves completely and happens to be in a wheelchair. He found his soul mate, he would tell you he's a lucky man. He doesn't talk about his disability unless someone asks. Because of his personality most people forget about the chair five minutes after they meet him. He makes it easy, now. But 20 years ago, he could have been that young man in the personal ad, just looking for a friend. Thanks, young Heather, for doing the best you could and for not running away.
Knittergran, I love that quote, I gotta write that one down.
Albug, you got me all tearing up. Your brother's story of finding a true partner is a great one.
Mrs. G, I remember this post as well, it is both hilarious and uncomfortable and makes us all feel pity for our younger selves and what we didn't know.
I think a lot of people wouldn't have known what to do in that situation. I know I don't, other than to act with general courtesy, which I think you did. Next time, you'll do even better.
I often don't know what to do when interacting with someone with an obvious disability that affects our conversation. I just don't know what to do that isn't offensive. Do I ignore the disability or acknowledge it in some tactful way (which is great in theory but what exactly IS a tactful way)? I wish someone who has personal experience with a disability or caring for someone with a disability would weigh in and give me some pointers.
you didn't fail....you were blindsided....and i personally think that you handled yourself very well, in that situation. the fact that you sat there, even after realizing that this guy was NOT your type, at all , shows that you, my dear, are what my grandfather would have said, .....are good people.
living and learning....i'm sure that the both of you learned a lot that evening.
Cara, all I can say is to treat a person with a disability with the same respect you would if they were totally able-bodied. Ask before you help them with a task, don't talk or ask questions to their companion as if they weren't there. If you have a question, ask. If someone were naked in your presence you would ask them why they were naked. The wheelchair is just as obvious and it is natural to ask questions. My brother is pretty forthcoming about what he needs, but that is his natural personality. Kids are most curious because the wheelchair intrigues them and they ask him all kinds of questions. He is happy to respond and encourages them. We get all kinds of looks and stares when we get out of his van, because he's driving! I know he would rather people treat him with respect and respectfully ask questions than ignore him. Hope this helps.
I don't think you acted like a self-centered twit in the least. You were young, and you had dinner with him, talked and seemed to have had a nice conversation. You didn't sign up for anything more. (((Mrs. G.)))
Wow, I think it takes a brave person to admit to some of the things they wish they had done differently. I think most of us, if not all, have stories in our past where we handled a situation differently than how we would handle it today. And I agree with the others who say you didn't fail here. As a young person suddenly put in a situation you were not expecting, I think you behaved admirably. There are some that would never made it past the first drink. You stayed, had dinner and talked. It may have been awkward, but it might have been awkward even without the wheelchair.
::shakes head:: That self-centered twit comment is so self-righteous. Never had a moment where you behaved less than first-class, hmm? Echo Gary - I lay awake at 3am rehashing the dumb moments of my life. I love that Maya Angelou quote, thank you Knittergran!
I, too, remember this post. I'd like to think that we all try to be a better person than we were the day before. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail, but growth is always the goal! I love the Maya Angelou quote. It's going on "the wall" today.
As a friend once told me, "I wish I could just go back to my 20-year old self and slap her around a little". Be proud of who you are today, Mrs. G!
Albug, you're so right in how to treat people with a disability. My grandfather only had one arm (he lost his left arm in a car accident when he was 19), so how he looked was I ever knew, and didn't seem strange to me.
He was superman to me and could do everything others could. When I was @ 12 he rebuilt, almost totally alone, the 4 foot high retaining wall outside my grandparents house. Sure there were helpers at times, but that would have been the case if he had had two hands.
BRAVA! I can't imagine the courage it took you to write about this. I wasn't even THERE, but I felt all the confusion and conflict you undoubtedly felt. We've all been there (young and clueless) and most of us have our regrets and self-recriminations. The rest of us (who don't) are just self-righteous asshats.
Yup...lying awake going over past deeds, misdeeds, transgressions...I've been there....I'm sure we all have. Brave of you to be so forthcoming. Great writing as usual.
Thank you so much for sharing this story!
Oh, how cringe-worthy. Love it though. And the fact that you remember it so well makes me think that you probably are sensitive to those in similar situations.
Cringing, yes, but brave and beautiful writing.
I think I remember reading it before... I thought there were more than 11 of us at the time.
xoxo
I worked at an office where a young man in a chair was hired (as a broker). I had recently become disabled (which everyone at my office indirectly experienced with me. Hell, two people actually watched some of it happening with binoculars, though it was far enough away they did not know it was me). Anyway, the others in the office pushed me to ask him what happened. No way was I asking. I challenged them; just 'cause I'd just become a cripple (I can use that word; if you're not, you can't unless you're a good friend and have as warped a sense of humor as I) gave me no right to ask another how he joined our group. I never found out, though he and I hung out a fair amount. He never volunteered the information. Obviously, he did not wish to share.
I don't mind talking about my amputation, but I've met others who prefer or actively dislike mentioning their disability. I met a young man last week who told me he admired me for not hiding it, but said he has never worn shorts, he doesn't want others to bug him or stare. I do get irritated by the people who try to surreptitiously look. Get a good look, recognize I'm not like the others (thanks, Sesame Street), accept it, and move along. If I'm not busy, I don't mind talking about it too if that helps others avoid the hassle. I know it looks odd, my robot leg, but I am more than my body, as is the young man I met last week, the man from my office, your "date."
That said, I think you did the right thing by not asking. I think he showed some bravery by going out, even though he had issues about his condition, or was afraid others would (fairly likely, I'd say). Now, he should have put something more about himself in that ad - his attitudes, beliefs, maybe political leanings, and how can you not like dogs or cats? You handled it overall well for a 20 something. If you two had had more in common, you may have become BFFs. It doesn't sound like that. If you'd met, say, the guy I knew in Atlanta, who was one of the world's fastest wheelchair racers, who lived in a two story house with a knotted rope to get from one floor to the other (oh, those arms!), you may have felt your heart beat a little faster.
So, I hope you feel better now, and it was courageous to put this out, twice. And it was courageous to go meet a complete stranger from an ad, and realize there was no way he was gonna have an axe.
I remember this one too. And I don't fault you at all. And I love your writing. And the reason I cringe reading it is because you did such a good job capturing the emotional awkwardness you felt--and I have felt that all too often. In fact, I still feel it all too often, it seems.
Hey Naomi, have you seen the scultpure prosethetic legs? They are stunning. Beautiful swirls and patterns laser-cut into the metal of the limb. If I find the link I will post it. Also youdon't still have that guy in Atlanta's number do you? You know, just in case this marriage thing doesn't work out for me (winky face).
I remember this post, and my reaction to it is the same now as it was then: annoyance that he hadn't bothered to mention anything else about himself prior to this meeting (not liking cats and dogs is kind of a big deal for some of us!) and knowing that I, too, often lie awake at night turning over awkward and embarrassing events of the past in my mind.
My own foray into answering a personal ad is less sweet a story (nothing bad, just ---).
I did see those legs; I "friended" with her on FB after. I still think about one made with a spring but I'm not willing to spend the $13,000 to try it. (I figure at least that as that's about what I pay for each one - they do wear out; really fancy bk - below knee - can run up to $30-40,000). Here's a link if you want to find out more about Scot - http://www.uromed.com/blog/2011/08/31/athlete-scot-hollonbeck-consciously-decides-to-live-life-to-the-fullest/ - an amazing human being doing much for others, and looking good while doing so.
I think I remember this story, too. I love that you are just one of us. When you share a fumble, you make me feel normal and welcome. I have had epic fumbles in my youth and today. I am not a picture perfect thing of grace and poise. And I'm not friends with anyone who is either. Those people don't exist. Only on FB and in their own weak minds. Thanks for sharing so much with us.
We cannot always be our best selves--I think that applies to both of you in this story.
I don't doubt that I would have fared similarly in that situation, Mrs. G. Don't doubt it at all.
What Nee said. Definitely NOT what AnonTonight says.
Mrs. G.....I read this and squirmed....because I too have been in situations where I just didn't have the ability to reorganize my mind and handle what was in front of me. It's called being immature. I don't call YOU that - it just reminds me of how much I've learned. Thinking back on my middle-aged life, and my younger years - I have enough cringe worthy moments to slay dragons....but that is what life is about. Learning. It's about coming to terms with differences and learning compassion and all that other million things that make us better as we get older. I started reading the comments, and decided to come and post, rather than be swayed in any way by the comments. I've been a reader and poster for quite some time - and the one true thing that I know is that you are one of the most compassionate people I've encountered. I think you are brave and right to post something so human!
As to the idea of your date not sharing his being in a wheelchair - oh, I suppose there are many reasons - I'm guessing he just wanted to have a person sit across the table and have a meeting. You never know where things will go, how people will connect. Not knowing the baggage everyone has, is it really that different? (the not mentioning the wheelchair?) While the chair is obvious, many of us have hidden wheelchairs....
At any rate - you have a gift of writing that is unlike anything I've encountered, and I can only encourage you to keep sharing. Whether we are 80, 70, 60, 50, 40, 30, 20....we all learn, grow and glean from other's experiences. Thank you for just being real. I'm now going to go back and read the comments.....love ya! DC
Unfair to say you sound like a twit in this. It was a blind date and how many of them go smoothly with or w/o the added feature of non-disclosure. You were young, human and in a situation most of us would be startled by the reality. He was probably not too sure of anyone's response or had previous negative experiences but I doubt he thought you failed. You stayed , had dinner and didn't say anything rude , unkind or promise something you knew you would never do. He was not your type in or out of the chair and that is what I hear, not a need to feel badly. Would you respond differently now? Undoubtedly, but given hindsight when would we not in some way?
On that note, I had a very sweeet boyfriend in HS who could not have treated me better but I listened to something a mutual "friend" told me and broke up with him w/o listening to what he had to say. I made the mistake of listening to her and turns out she lied. I heard that he cried in the locker room and I never had the chance to apologize, because a few days later his Dad was transferred and he left our school. Years have passed and I have thought of him often, and wish I could thank him for having been a better person than I was back then. He deserves an apology and my explanation. At this point I am sure it means nothing to him, but to be able to say it to him would make a difference to me and to own it as my failure. I learned a great deal from the experience and have never treated anyone so rashly since, but regret the person who least deserved it was my testing ground.
Actually he was a quadriplegic. And he should have had the courtesy to tell you in advance that he used a wheelchair.