Friday
Oct122012
Full Confessional Friday!
Friday, October 12, 2012 at 1:02AM Mrs. G. 
Photo by kirainet
Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister
tagged Full Confessional Friday
Full Confessional Friday
Reader Comments (46)
It's been a really long week...I am exhausted and beyond ready for Friday. I'm ashamed to say I CANNOT deal with the VP debate. I've tried...watch, flip, watch, flip, watch, flip. I'm just too damned tired!
I did something really, really dumb. I'm the only impacted, but I'm hurting. Live and learn, but I could use a good cry.
Karen, I hope next week is better.
Ilyanna, that's what long showers are for. Lock the door. Feel better.
Me either, Karen.
This week I felt I was getting too emotional. about political articles and posts, I mean really worked up. So I have sequestered all such FB "liked pages" to a separate feed, where I can dive in if I am in the mood but otherwise I am oblivious. It has made the week much more bearable; lets me smile at the pumpkin pie recipes, funny cat photos, and totally everyday posts that friends share.
This week has been a weird one. I think I need a break, a short mini vacation. Not gonna happen anytime soon but needed nonetheless.
However, I think I am going to flat out REFUSE to cook dinner saturday. I want to go out.
Friday is homecoming at our high school, but no parade, no nothing really. Just a game, then the dance, which of course my kiddos don't want to deal with.
My Dh gets frustrated because kids don't really care about football all that much. I don't know why it means so much to him, but it does. He didn't play football or anything.
Also, middle kid has 5 projects for school. One of which was to make up an ancient river civilization and make a brochure about it. We borrowed heavily from his brother's one he did on Ancient Babylon. But why make one up? I'd rather he show what he know about a real one!!!!!!
The picture he drew for the cover, though? Awesome. Triple fold brochures are easier on a mac than on a pc.
I"m still in such an apathetic mood. I just am tired of working. And I get to work tomorrow and saturday too! But I'm lucky to have a job, I know. Still, some days I want to just be a stay at home mom again.
I hope everyone has a great weekend--good mojo sent to all.
I won't be around this weekend to comment or answer emails. See you Monday!
PLEASE NOTE Derfwad Manor is a life/humor blog and Full Confessional Friday is not monitored on a regular basis. Mrs. G. and all commenters are average Janes with no professional training.
If you need help, please seek the following resources:
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
National Hopeline Network: 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE) http://www.hopeline.com/
National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
Suicide Hotline Listing by State: http://www.suicidehotlines.com/
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE /800-799-7233 and 800-787-3224 (TTY)
Alcohol and Drug Abuse Helpline and Treatment: 800-234-0420
I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I've become a doormat. Tonight I just want to get in my car and drive away.
I went for a bra fitting and the girls are happy and up where they belong. Thanks derfs!
My confession this week is that I am feeling quite patriotic. This is an unusual state bc a) I live on the other side of the world to my country and b) Australians are generally far too apathetic to get too het up about patriotism unless it involves a sports team. (ok yes, that is a gross generalisation but I can't be arsed to figure out another stereotype). But this week? This week the Australian Prime Minister took a stand against the bullying of the Opposition party. Yes it suited and benefitted her politically to do so but this was not a speech to her constituents, this was a response to a political manouevere to undermine her position, her party and her role as head of my country's government.
Show this to all who need to see that sometimes a stand has to be taken, to all young women because they should know that it is right and acceptable to refuse to be harrassed, to all boys so they can see strong women standing up publicly and decrying sexism and to all men so that it becomes clear that women have as much right to respect and equality as any man.
It is 15 minutes long but it is a fabulous 15 minutes.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-10-10/international-reaction-to-gillard-speech/4305294
Even once all the party political hyperbole is factored out this still stands as a strong and commanding performance on how to face down the bullies.
(the phrase about Ms Gillard's father dying of shame is a quote taken from an event where it was said during a speech that her father (who had died a few months previously) had died of shame due to Ms Gillard's actions and political views.)
True story: 30 minutes ago me and the wife are sipping the coffee and eating the oatmeal, DEAR GOD what is that noise across the kitchen? I wrote it up in haiku....
A mouse in my spice
Drawer! The tail disappears
As I open it...
Spike cat, my hero,
Has been watching, waiting to
Slice and dice its ass...
SHUDDDDDDDDDDer..... that TAIL!
all of you and me in a safe place with a bottle or case of wine,, hair down, shoes off, feet up, laughter runs quickly through the room as we chat the night away.
Sigh- who's in?
I could use a break dot com
Way to go Spike!
I thought I was handling the recent break up well, but eventually, I hit the tipping point. He came and took his personal items, we talked, all seemed okay. Calm, mature, an agreement to see what we would see what we could pull together as a friendship only relationship.
The next morning at 5:30 am, as I go to reach for it, I realized, he took the electric toothbrush. What the hell?!!! Finally, anger! It took a toothbrush for me to finally feel angry with him. It's about time.
Gary, can feel for you on the whole mouse thing. Shudder.
Re the bra fitting thing: I think they are playing with sizes the same way they've played with clothing sizes. My miniscule breasts are now deemed by the Nordstrom's lady to be a 34C. Yeah, right. I wore that size in high school, and I was at least twice as big then. She tried to get me to take a 32, but I had fat bulging under the arms that I knew would show in a sweater and insisted I go up to a 34. But a C cup? Hah! They are just trying to make me feel better with a letter.
KellyK I'm another one who has gotten too worked up about politics. When I see someone on FB liking the other party it instantly changes my feeling of that person. I hate feeling like that, especially when one of those people is my daughter. Where did we go wrong?!?! Living in Janesville makes it even harder, sigh....
It's been a tough week, husband had a PET scan checking out a nodule in his lung and since the doc hasn't called yet I assume there wasn't a conclusive result. All my friends or their spouses seem to be falling apart medically too, this getting old is hard.
On a brighter note we're picking our gson up from kindergarden at noon and bringing him home for a sleep over. It would be nicer if he lived closer, but oh well.... Until 2 weeks ago he wasn't willing to stay without his folks so we're making progress.
I confess I'm completely lost in love with my new baby girl! Her name is Era, she's three weeks old now, and absolutely perfect in every way. Also, seeing my husband turn into a dad, with nothing but adoration oozing from his pores for this little bundle he helped create is... I don't even know how to describe it; magical? amazing? I've fallen in love with him all over again.
Life is beyond wonderful. I never want these feelings to go away.
I must confess that I am REALLY not a baby person anymore. I have toyed with the idea of having another child. After my Girl was born, about 3 years later, we became pregnant again and sadly I lost that baby at 16 weeks. I was heartbroken. Then my Girl started asking for a sibling about a year or so ago. I've considered it. But the last two days of babysitting my niece and nephew (ages 3 and 2) have completely convinced me that children under the age of 5 are not for me. I love these two beautiful children but man is it WORK!! Diapers, trying to communicate, trying to understand what they are communicating to me, and trying to get naps in is exhausting and I really don't remember it being this hard with my Girl.
I will be drinking later tonight.
Happy weekend to all you Derfs out there!!! Love and hugs to all that need them and Gary...love your haiku!!!
@Deb - I'm guessing that's a healthy anger. I'm sorry you have to go through this!
@navhelowife - you could always mini-vacation up here! Or, better yet, you leave your youngest here with Larry and we both go off somewhere.
Hello Derf Nation!
Tonight is the first night of a new tradition at our house. Second Fridays, come hell or high water are card playing nights at our house. I will make a pot of chili, we will invite friends over, open house style, kids can invite friends over too, and going to have a good time playing poker, spades, cribbage, whatever floats our boat.
Years ago before I moved I had a solid group of friends I had cultivated and had small, informal, come as you are get togethers at my place often. Sometimes we played cards, just hung out, tried a new recipe, drank beer. I miss that now.
Since moving two and a half years ago I have struggled making friends. Suburbia can be a withdrawn place, everybody in their own house, blinds drawn.
So poker night is born. We are going to start this in order to get together with friends (current and potential) without giong out and spending a ton, our kids can be a part of it, and because it is open house, no one has to feel overly committed.
Already have one aquaintence who we never seem to catch up with coming over, should be much needed fun without any stress.
Oh, god, I am so bored at work. So incredibly bored. I go in at 9 am and there's the clock staring at me - 8 more hours.
The phone isn't ringing. The in-box holds more junk email than anything else.
The boss is out on medical leave. And let's face it - we are now a backwater department, scheduled to close, scheduled to be wiped off the books. There is no new business. The business we have, our customers are wondering how they can eke out one more project before we disappear.
You'd think someone in my shoes would say - Oh, well, I'm sitting here with nothing to do all day, why not do something creative, why not write, why not research and explore on line? Why not study? Why not job hunt? And I try to do that, believe me, but the hours yawn ahead of me and I look out the window and just want to be GONE.
Meanwhile, I am preparing to interview for a transfer. With this attitude? Good God.
This is just pure hell.
Can I make one more
Confession? Ebay: a
New addiction.
This week wiped me out. Eating the elephant of this masters degree one bite at a time, and I got a couple big mouthfuls of the nasty bits. And I'm missing a man in my life for canoodling, lifting heavy things, and being a shoulder to lean on.
But I love my kids more than ever, and I love October weather, and I love my dog even though the walking is occasionally annoying. Yup, unconditional love all around.
Feeling sick to my stomach since reading one of my good friends' son is in jail for a hit and run from this past summer while he stayed on campus out of state. She didn't find out until the police traced the vehicle back to her and her husband last week and arrested him. The guy her son hit isn't dead, but quite injured. All I know is I'd be MORTIFIED if my kid did something like that and then ran and hid. What to say to her??? I'm sending her flowers for now ...
Green Girl - how awful for your friend! Flowers now with a "I'm here when you need a shoulder to cry on" note is a good start.
Deb - the logical part of me says that anger is part of the stages of grief, and you certainly deserve to grieve the loss of this relationship. The feeling part of me says, WTH? He took the electric toothbrush?!? How dare he!!! {{hugs}}
Molly - what a fabulous idea. I might adopt that one myself. We've been here for 15 months and are trying to establish solid friendships amongst old acquaintances and new ones, too. Plus we are homebodies and I like the idea of being able to just chill at home and having other people drop in at their convenience.
Oh, Aunt Snow! I feel for you...
Gary, I hate mice with an impassioned, panicky hatred. I would be gloved and armed with Clorox, attacking every inch of the kitchen. EEEEeeeeeekk!!
And the politics, oh the politics! I have my feelings about and impressions of the debate last night but I need to mostly keep them to myself. I terminated one friendship (old friend without much in common anymore... or at all) last month and I don't want to think badly about anyone else. How I wish people would think twice (or better yet, fifteen times!) before posting hateful, spiteful things on facebook.
My confession is that I went to a 40% off sale and bought fabric -- quality quilting fabric. Quite a few yards of it. My husband hasn't seen it yet... and worse, he hasn't seen the bill... but he will. And I don't think those beautiful batiks are going to sway his mind from the dollar signs $$$. Yes, triple digits. Plural.
I don't have a job yet. I haven't finished my résumé or job application. Guess what I'll be completing this weekend?
Mrs. G, I am loving the warm wood tones in that photograph. Thank you for a warm-up on my chilly and gray Friday morning.
Just found out my beloved MIL and FIL are staying here tonight and possibly arriving any minute. I've broken a sweat with some mad-rush sweeping and vacuuming (because in 2 days since the last thorough cleaning, my house is a disaster) and am taking a few minutes to cool down before putting fresh sheets on the guest bed. Luckily I had stripped the sheets off the teen son's bed (i.e., Guest Bed) and tossed them in the washing machine this morning before running errands.
I could use a virtual margarita!
Karen--I think someone who thinks of their in-laws as beloved deserves beautiful batik quilting fabric!
Now my oldest & uninsured DD is in the hospital on a heart monitor and oxygen. They don't know what is wrong but with the nitro they gave her relieving some of the pain they decided the heart needs a closer look. Ugh... I feel so sorry for them. They are a part of the working poor...
@Caro - Congratulations! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
Green Girl: I know the accident to which you're referring. The Twin Cities media has been all over that hit and run since it happened in what -- June? Big story about the young man who was driving the car, etc. To me, it's an example of how easy, easy it is to make a really simple, stupid mistake: we all do. Part two is that the mistake only gets worse when we try to hide it. Flowers and support are probably just right. There's a lot ahead of this family.
My confession? I put the word out (told my college President) that I'm applying for a special one-year position within our state-wide college system. It felt completely right -- guaranteed my faculty job back and all that, after the year -- but after starting the application, I was shaken with doubt. It's a BIG job. Responsibilities for 31 colleges. So shaking, shaking. But I'm going to apply. Total long shot, as also being a faculty member and not administrator means I might be out, right out of the box.
But I'm doing it!
The app is due Tuesday. Husband is away for 7 days, leaving me all the household duties, regular job, and application.
Adrenaline and fear seem to be steady companions.
Julie m - what a tough situation! Hoping she pulls through health-wise. Hoping there is some real insurance reform soon so that the working poor don't have to fear hospital bills.
mine? really dumb.
some days i really wish my problem was worrying about my body image (overweight and menopausal, thank you very much). instead, it is that, way back in my family, i had colorful relatives. as it turns out, that was the 50's euphemism for mentally ill. i am discovering that as my two beautiful sons succumb to mental illness. anorexia? no, only women have body image problems. cutting? no, that's only pre-teen women. severe depression? no, they're 20 something white males, they need to just suck up and grow some cojones. schizophrenia? oh, like the freak in the aurora shootings. you should just throw them away and get it over with. can't hold a job? they're lazy and over-indulged. they just need to man up and get over it. mental illness? oh, that's like the 'beautiful mind' movie or the 'one flew over the coo coo's nest'. no, some days it's being twenty something and smelly and hairy and smoking with poor hygiene and incredibly fragile self image and afraid to come out of your room. are they gay? it would be ok if they were gay. right, as if being gay means you have no problems. no, they aren't gay. just male and regular men who can't make it are just whining, selfish, spoiled, lazy, etc.
i am not belittling anyone else's problems with my list there.
i just some days can't watch the world throw my young men away.
i just can't some days listen to people say, well, maybe it would be better if they would succeed in suicide.
goodness knows, i have spent enough time in the ER cleaning up after their attempts. ha! they aren't very good at that, either.
i agree probably was a dumb idea for me to have kids. but, i didn't know that at the time.
funny. some people i know who are anti-abortion are the ones who tell me most often that i should not have had them.
as if i would have known when i was pregnant. i guess i should have.
my poor DH soldiers on trying to keep all of us together with his goofy knock-knock jokes.
RE the bra sizing, I did some research (i.e. Googling) and found that back in the day when many of us started to wear bras, you added 4" to your ribcage measurement to get your band size. Now that is obsolete. So that's why we are seeing smaller bands and bigger cup sizes when we are refitted now.
@skubitwo, I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. Please know that I feel for you, and wish you well. It's hard to watch those we love hurting, and I know from experience what it is to have those around us judge. You feel quite helpless...I wish you and your sons well!
skubitwo, I'm so sorry. I cannot know the depths of your pain but tonight I hold you lightly and gently in my thoughts.
I understand just a tiny, tiny bit -- my 20yo son has days(weeks? months?) of being smelly and hairy with poor hygiene, along with an Asperger's single-mindedness when it comes to his going barefoot everywhere. I'm honestly not sure where he stands on his own self-image now, but I know it was once near rock-bottom. It may return if/when he flunks out of college this year. My DH and I try to reach through to him, to help or guide him, but we are so limited as parents.
Our children can be the source of so much joy and so much heartache, yet there is so little we do to deserve either the joy or the heartache.
Gentle hugs to you and your DH.
@skubitwo -- I love what Karen (formerly kcinnova) said, "there is so little we do to deserve either the joy or the heartache." Just keep loving them in the best way you know how, and know we're holding you in our thoughts.
skubitwo- what Karen and Cindy said; just love on, mamma, and remember we do the best we can. Also, those people telling you you never should have had your kids? Please punch them in the mouth for me. How dare they be so hateful when you're hurting.
@skubitwo - email me if you feel like it. Heather has my address.
@skubitwo - Also, try to make sure your sons are thoroughly checked for physical reasons for their mental illness. In our part of the country, Lyme Disease is prevalent and has been shown to create mental disorders. Traumatic head injuries that were never diagnosed as concussive in nature can also play a role. There is help out there. Genetics are NOT destiny. Do feel free to contact me.
And I've got to love any man who can make knock-knock jokes while going through what you are experiencing. Your DH is a keeper!
Skubitwo, There is no magic 8 ball that tells us how our kids will turn out. So don't think that just because they have an illness, they aren't loved parts of the universe. I hope you find good doctors, I hope you find good therapists - both for them and for you. Because mental illness does not just stop with the one person - it affects the whole family.
Just now catching up...hugs, hugs and more hugs to those hurting or stressing or feeling down.
I will be forever grateful for the Manor.
oh, karen (formerly kcinnova), I know about the bare feet! for my one son, it was one pair of pants he got attached to while in a really low spell. at the time, he was not wearing socks or underwear ever....and only this one pair of pants....24/7 for months.
bless all the derfs for their kind comments. sometimes, i just have to gnaw on my paws.
skubitwo
Skubitwo~~
I recently sent this note to a friend whose teenage son has run away, gotten into trouble with the law, and now diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She was mourning her hopes for his future, her hopes for herself, and what might become of her beloved, but disturbed first born. I hope you might find comfort in this....lots of us are in similar boats and need long distance hugs and support. Your sons are every bit as deserving, no matter thier state, of love and inclusion.
~~~
I understand a bit about having reality crashing down around your dreams. When my daughter was a year old she was diagnosed with Aspergers (mild autism). Her behavior as a toddler was disturbing and violent. I went through terrible years where I was isolated from my community with a child that I loved desperately but my child could not function socially and was even physically abusive to me. I kept forging ahead with therapies, advice, different doctors. In the meantime I had to completely let go of the fantasy of being a Mom. I had a scenario in my head of how it should be, and no matter how unfair it was, I was dealt a different hand. I grieved for the childhood I wanted for my daughter, and for the parenthood I wanted for myself. In the process, as awful as those years were, I learned a different depth of parenthood. I learned how to love unconditionally and to accept that my daughter is always going to be more work, more difficult than other kids. On the other hand, her successes are so sweet, every friendship she makes is a huge triumph. And the bond her and I have is deep. During those difficult years, and the less frequent difficult episodes these days I have been the only one who could cope with her problems, calm her down, help her help herself. Her and I knew that all else may come and go, but her and I would stick it out regardless of any other factor. I could face all her behaviors and still give her love, when others turned away in frustration, confusion, or repugnance.
I also know I live with terrible anxiety, worry over the future, and I just have to accept that that is my job, like it or not.
Something my Mom said once (she had no idea how to help me), She asked what would have happened to my daughter if she had been born to a lesser Mom? What if she had alcoholic parents that created chaos and beat her, ridiculed her for her lack of awareness? In those scenarios my daughter would never have even progressed to going to school.
So I know you are fighting an uphill battle, but you are an amazing army of one! He may not know it, and in his disorder he may not appreciate it now, but he got a great gift in you. He got a real chance to learn skills and maybe grow above and beyond bipolar dictating his life. You have no control over what he eventually does, but you can know you have always been the Mom who gave him what he needed, no matter the cost or effort and the social rewards.
It took a long time, but I eventually came to think of having a kid with big problems as a kind of privilege, or at least good luck on my and my daughters part to have found each other. I have been trusted with one of the tougher gigs, I have done and will do all I can. And when I see families struggling with even greater burdens than mine, I truly feel empathy. All in all, this child has made me a better person. It is no easy path, and there is still isolation and fear and inordinate amounts of work, but I am more at peace and content with the present.
I hope for lots of healing for you and your family.
..
Anon Todayish, you're amazing, and both you and your daughter are fortunate.
Anon todayish: YOU are why we come here. You and all the Derfs like you. You are full of compassion and love and understanding.
I feel all warm and loved, and I didn't even have any confessions. HEY, MRS. G -- YOU LISTENING? You have a GREAT place here. THANK YOU!
I get so much out of all these comments. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I wish I could individually bear hug everyone who needs it. I'm a good hugger, not a tentative but rather full throttle hugger.