Thursday
Oct042012
Full Confessional Friday!
Thursday, October 4, 2012 at 8:16PM Mrs. G. 
Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister
Malvina Hoffman (an American sculptor and author), photographed by Edith M. White, 1921, at Tyringham, Mass.
tagged Full Confessional Friday
Full Confessional Friday
Reader Comments (44)
Rejoicing that my annoying coworker will be out of the office today. I have been trying very hard not to complain about her to my friends at work. I need strength to make sure I don't fall into the trap of bitching about someone behind her back. (Which is what I'm doing here, I realize.)
My beagle is already a therapy dog at a senior living center, but we have started training for hospicare. Tomorrow is a big series of tests for her, and me, and I worry that she will fail. She has the most loving personality, but the intelligence of a box of rocks and is as obedient as Oscar the grouch. But she is utterly sweet and would be perfect for hospice, really! I wonder why it is so important to me that we are accepted for further training. I think it is because actions like this take us away from ourselves. Encountering people with severe difficulties and seeing a smile is humbling. Working with a therapy dog and elderly folks has changed me a great deal and I want to go further with it. Not much of a confession, but a very big deal here. So, here's hoping we pass and continue this part :)
I've been invited to join a local writer's group that consists of some poets who are mid-career and extremely well-published and I am quaking in my boots, completely terrified.
Well, I did it...broke off my 5 year relationship with a man I still love, but know is not right for me on several levels. He left in a huff last Sunday and I haven't heard from him yet. I know in my heart it is the right thing, but it's a little hard right now. Two weeks before my daughter's wedding he told me he was "done" making an effort with my grown kids. It's not like he ever made much of an effort, but really? They're not that hard to get along with, but they aren't perfect, either. That, and the fact he wants to live apart for six months of the year so he can play golf equals "Not how I want to live."
Sad, but it had to be done. Ugh.
Gary, I sure hope this works out for you. What a wonderful thing to do. I'm going to be thinking about you and Penny and hoping she behaves herself enough that they can see what a sweetie she is!
Deb, that took courage and strength.
Husband is on Fall Break right now, kids' fall break is next week. When is mine!?
I feel restless and grouchy and all around ants in my pants!
Good thing everybody else is gone for the weekend leaving me and the girl to our own plans.
I think I am going to take her to the fair, see the animals, ride some rides, and blow the new eating habits on some fried food.
So there!
I think at work today I am going to wear my headphones even if not listening to anything just to minimize the amount of times I bite back grouchy words. Find me an alone project to do.
Deb, I'm sorry for your loss. You did it right, though - "Leave while the party's good" - is one of my beliefs. How often have we been at a party, having a great time and thought, "Oh, I really need to go but this is too much fun" and stayed, only to later realize that was the high point and it went miserably downhill. I think it's better to retain a bit of that regret that one may have made a mistake than to know one did not. May you still have some bittersweet memories to carry you through.
No confessions here. Maybe one: the baby mama 'cross the street with the constantly crying child and the big, bad dog moved; the youngsters partying toned down too. Could she really have had that big an effect on the little group, even Drunk Girl, even Drunk Girl's dog?
It is beautiful weather, an early Fall this year, with highs in the low 80's and a nice breeze. I hope everyone else has as pleasant a world.
Laura, I too have joined a writer's group - my first meeting is next Saturday - and I'm also terrified.
I am experiencing bad attitude at work - this is very perilous, since I am trying to get a transfer to a position in another department, and don't want to let even a shadow fall on my chances. But, honestly, it's hard not to absorb a negative message when Upper Management has decided that our entire department isn't worth keeping around.
Still - it makes the most sense for me, economically, to stay with my organization another five years. This transfer, if it happens, is perfect - I won't lose a dime in salary, and my pension contributions will stay exactly the same. The only drawback is that I will have to leave the career path I've worked all my life.
I was talking to a coworker and marveled at the ironic contrast between our two positions. He has been with the company for 25 years. He doesn't want to leave the company - it's all he's ever known. But the only transfer opportunities for him are at a much lower salary. He's 42 now, so he has another 13 years before he's eligible for retirement. In our plan, your retirement is based on the highest salary you made within the last 3 years before retiring. If he transfers to a lower paying job, within 3 years his retirement pay will be cut due to the cut in base salary. So - his best choice economically is to leave the company loves and go to a strange new job with a completely different pension plan - this would keep his current plan intact at his high salary.
Meanwhile, for me - I'm totally comfortable setting out anew, going to a strange place where no on knows me, and I really value staying in my trade. But, economically, it makes most sense for me to abandon my career and stay in an organization I'm beginning to despise. Weird.
Gary, obedience is over rated when you are as sweet as Penny. Good luck to you both! I think you'll be great.
Aunt Snow, best of luck to you too. My sister is going through a very similar thing at work as her company was just sold and they are wanting to keep her department (HR/benefits) but apparently not her (the HR/Benefits director). Oh, but they don't want to let her go now so she can have severance, find a new job, and get on with her life, Noooooo, they want her to stay around in a city where she has no interest in being, for another 6 months so that they can have some sort of transition. I hope things work out for you both.
My roof is leaking. Fun! Right into the kitchen! More fun! We have NO money for a new roof right now so we're hoping that something can be done to find a short term, DIY solution. We're both pretty handy so here's hoping the folks at Lowes/Home Depot have some sort of answer. Life truly is raining on my parade this week.
Onward and Upward everyone!
Aunt Snow, at least we can be terrified together!
Happy Friday to all the Derfs!
Aunt Snow and Laura - good luck to you both in your new writer's group; I'm sure you both will shine. And remember, the others may well be feeling just as terrified as you two. Gary - Penny is a sweetheart and I'm sure she will make you proud. Patience and Molly - hope your weekends make up for your current funk. Deb - sounds like you made a very hard decision but you are in a much better place. Susan - maybe if you breath deep some fresh fall air, it will feel like a little break (at least a break from summer?!). Naomi - I'm with you; I love the fall. I find it funny that Atlanta is cooler than NYC!
My confession, which I was going to post last week, but seemed too trite when posts too a sharp right turn, so I'm getting in early this week.
My divorce years ago left me with a 3 year old. Nasty, long divorce that ended up with my ex paying +750/month in child support. I was not making much money and really needed that child support. A few months go by and he still hasn't paid a cent, so I garnished his wages. Papers were served to him at the office ("XXX and its well-known global brands are an indispensable part of life for people in more than 175 countries") and he was mortified (sorry, but that did make me happy). Like clockwork, I began to receive a check every month on the 1st or before. No muss, no fuss.
Fast forward to 2008 when my son turned 18! Wow - big milestone. No more child support required, right? Well, it appeared to be too much for Mr X to file a petition with the court (as it was court appointed, this was the only way to stop the checks coming). The check was made out to me in my maiden name and by then I had re-married but for several years I would endorse the check over to him and he would pick it up and deposit it. That lasted a few years and then the bank wouldn't take it, so I would go to his bank and deposit it into his account. I made more requests for him to stop the check and most of the time, his response was "well, who initiated this?". I didn't want to rise to his level of ugliness, so I would clam up and keep depositing. About a year ago, his bank would no longer take the check since I wasn't on his account nor did I have an account with said bank. So I would take the check to my credit union, cash it and either give him the cash or (if I was feeling nice) deposit it into his bank. Again, I asked him to get the checks stopped. September 1 rolls around and I've had it. I tell him I was going to cash the check but it was the last time. I went to the credit union and asked for small bills. I received $100 in one dollar bills, 3 rolls of quarters and the rest in 10s and 20s. After his eagerness to get his $$, he didn't text me until last week saying that he was in the neighborhood and would like to stop my "for my money". I texted back that it was in a bag on the front door handle and then kind of hid! Yep, I was so sassy to do that but then I was afraid he'd be pissy at my pissiness so I felt a little ashamed. (What is up with that?!) On Monday, I received October's check and just texted him that he could pick it up at any time.
So I ask the Derfs - was I petty and too nasty or did he have it coming to him? I have to admit that I feel a little guilty, but - there, I've confessed!
@martha: My idea of petty and nasty was when my ex somehow paid a few extra months of child support that went beyond my daughter's high school graduation date (that was the cut-off for us). I don't know why the checks kept coming out of his pay and directly into our account, but they did. He could have quietly stopped the payments and let my daughter keep the money or talk to me about it, but no - he took it straight to court to get a refund. The amount was around $600.
Martha, I can't believe you've been doing this ridiculous check exchange since 2008. I would probably tear the check in half or write void on it and send it back to the bank. Has he been taking the tax write off for paying child support since 2008 too? That might be his reason for not filing the required paperwork. You've been much nicer than I would ever be in that situation.
Other Laura and Aunt Snow, that is so cool! The chances are everyone will be as nervous as you!
Gary, I hope all goes well with Penny.
Molly, enjoy your fried fair food and daughter!
Martha, not petty! The guy could have fixed the problem easily and you had the patience of a saint. At least you didn't do it in pennies.
Claudia, I hope you and your husband come up with a quick fix but I'm more concerned about those pumpkin donuts getting wet.
Not to worry Mrs. G., the pumpkin donuts are long gone. (smiley thing here.) By the way, I thought of you when I heard on NPR a couple of weeks ago that the smiley emoticon turned 30 years old. Who knew?
Gary, good luck with Penny. Your story brought a tear to my eye, but also has motivated me! Wolf would be no good at being an official therapy dog (although he's very good at being an unofficial one lol). I was thinking that when he passed, I wouldn't get another dog because of my age...but you know what? I think I WILL get another dog and train that one to be a therapy dog! Thank you for the motivation that will allow me to do something with my future :-)
Yesterday, I finally went to the doctor for antidepressants.
I've known what this is for a long time, I've tried everything including exercise, sunlight, foods that are supposed to help, OTC supplements, and denial. Nothing worked, so even though I was terrified - and still am - I made the appointment.
I know this is a physiological and chemical issue, but I grew up in a family where any illness was your own fault. Even though depression runs in my family it's still considered a personal failing, and that you should just get over it.
I DO know better, but there's still a lot of shame and a feeling of failure. I can't tell anyone in person (except my husband, who knows). I'm hoping by telling you all anonymously I can take another step on getting past that and getting my brain working better again.
Dear Anon Today, Good for you! It often takes courage to admit you can't fix something on your own (and it looks like you tried ALL the right things) and that further help is needed. Keep taking good care of your self!
Oh anon, good for you in taking the first step in getting treated. I'm so sorry you're feeling ashamed--depression is so, so common. And it's so debilitating that it's amazing to me when people can see it for what it is and address it. It is most certainly not your fault! No matter what your family said or says. Hopefully antidepressants can help you gain a little perspective and start the process of shedding your shame and humiliation about it. It is NOT YOUR FAULT! I'm so glad you are brave enough to see someone about it. Good for you!
Not a confession, per se, but a little celebration. I met a friend-of-friend who is a writer and I've been responding to some open prompts she put out to her friends (and fellow writers). This week I've written four short and fast (flashfiction) "horror" pieces. They're not terribly polished but with all this creativity in my skull I feel like a butterfly emerging from YEARS of dormancy. Plus I've gotten some nice feedback and my blog traffic is WAY up, which makes me happy.
Martha -- You're a better person than I. I'd be tempted to just keep the money. Or put it in an escrow account accruing very little interest to give to the kid someday if the ex didn't get his act together.
Anon Today -- I am proud of you! If your kitchen lights flickered and went dim, you'd call an electrician, right? Same thing with your brain. It's a complex electrical system, and sometimes the wiring gets a little wonky. If something in your house wasn't working the way it should you'd get a trained professional to help. All you're doing is getting a trained professional to adjust the wiring inside your skull. And your light will SHINE afterward. Can hardly wait to hear how you feel in a couple of months.
Hugs galore to you all. I'm off to bake some cookies to give away, 'cause it's that kind of a day.
@Deb -- Good for you. Yay. Well done. You deserve a new pair of shoes.
Great job, Anon Today...
My brother is using again - after 3 years. He's on the other side of the state, so there's not a lot I can do (that's a blessing really), but I worry about him (not keeping me up worry this time). He told me he was going to in-patient detox yesterday, but he wouldn't go to rehab again because he's not mentally stable enough to deal with all the people there. I hope he can get it together again....it took him being admitted into the cardic ICU for 8 days with 6 stints in his heart (2 heart attacks while there) to get him straight.
Last Christmas he told my husband and I that he wanted to use pot again because he wanted to be able to have a release like other people. We told him it was a really, REALLY BAD idea, but he didn't listen, and it has turned into hard drugs. Don't know if he is drinking too....ahhh.
I have a friend I care deeply about who is slipping away. Our families have been friends for over 10 years and our kids all play together. In the past year she has had several deeply traumatizing experiences in her family of origin. At the time I stepped up, sat and listened to her, helped with her kids while she had to travel to deal with the fallout, and texted for hours with her. She has become more and more depressed and pulled away from her old life. She quit her job and does not answer the phone anymore, only texts. Sometimes she says she will meet our old group but usually does not show up. We are sad for her and we miss her.
My confession is that I am starting to get angry because her depression is affecting our kids. She has not hosted play dates at her house since this started (which is totally fine), but a few weeks ago stopped responding to me asking if her kids could come here. She texted that she owed me to much to allow me to keep taking her kids. I'm not putting pressure on her for anything, but the upshot for my 7yo DD is that she has now lost all access to her best friend, her friend since BIRTH. I don't know what to say to my DD when she asks if the other mom has responded to our playdate invitations (she does not). I can plainly see that my friend's suffering is real and has nothing to do with us, but she keeps pushing us away and now the kids are hurting too.
Do I say anything? Do I wait? Do I talk to her husband (who adores her but appears to be cracking under the weight of all the family work he has to shoulder?)
Oh cariba, my heart aches for your friend. You are a good friend. I am not sure what the best thing to do is, but having been depressed myself, I understand that place where you want to withdraw from everybody. It sounds like she has fallen into a trap of self-hatred.
Cariba, as someone who has been there, I know depression can be exhausting to all concerned--family, friends, co-workers. I would venture to guess no one feels more disappointed in herself than your friend. Maybe you could lower your expectations of your friendship until she starts to pull out of it...and let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Believe me, Cariba, if you ever fall down a pit of despair, you will want the same.
Anon Today -- I'm proud of you for working so hard for your mental health. It took me years of trying it on my own before I asked the doctor for help. The difference for me is huge and knowing that my symptoms were so much like my mother's, I sometimes ache that she did not make the same choice.
Depression is exhausting, not just for those around the person afflicted, but also --and most especially-- for the one afflicted. It is exhausting to get up in the morning, exhausting to do laundry, prepare dinner, or care about anything. It's the nature of the beast.
Cariba, I'm so sorry for your friend and your daughter (and her friend!) and I wish I could tell you what to do. If you feel that she has fallen into the pit of hopelessness, I know I would need to do something... but not sure what that would be. Making sure that she knows you care and want to help is probably on my list . Maybe you could get her to go on a walk with you, just to get her out of the house and breathing fresh air? If it has gotten to the point of hopelessness/uselessness/better-off-without-me mindset, then I would reach out to her husband as well. I hate to be a downer, but an old friend's cousin lost her husband a few weeks ago because of this, so I'm in a state of hyper-vigilance when it comes to depression.
Deb, what a tough thing to do! I'm proud of you. ♥
I confess that I've dealt with 2 days of a run-down body by fortifying it with brown-sugar/cinnamon PopTarts. NOT a good call.
Now my husband has whatever I had, so I'm being nice to him and giving him Chicken Noodle Soup for dinner (mostly because Mr. Healthy Eater would be appalled by the idea of Poptarts, but also because they are all gone now).
I'm so happy with my new direction. It seems that things are falling into place all over, and although my financial situation hasn't improved (yet), it's not any worse -- still doing fine, but not much going into savings.
My kids are starting to come into themselves. My daughter is finding her niche as a brainy, funny, snarky girl. My son is maturing (verrrry slowly) into an intellectual who also loves dirt and bugs and Mama and cookies. Even my husband is starting to relax, which is a HUGE deal for a total Type-A personality.
Dare I press "publish" with this? Will I be tempting fate? How about this: don't tell the gods about this. Just keep it here on DW Manor.
I'm THISCLOSE to 200 pounds. I've been deluding myself for months (who am I kidding? I've been deluding myself for most of my adult life!) but I see it now. I'm also pretty sure I don't have the willpower to do what I need to do to change it.
Janet and other nice people here: surprise! Penny was a champ at the Cornell Vet School behavior evaluation. She passed all the tests well enough, and we are moving up a level from therapy dog for seniors to a complete and lengthy training program to become a therapy dog in hospice. I don't know why this makes me so happy, because hospice is, well, the end for people, but my little dog just loves everybody and working with seniors has been REALLY good for my shy and reclusive self. When the people from the Cornell vet school saw her climb into the lap of somebody in a wheelchair and cuddle and wag the tail and all the rest, they turned to me and said "I don't know why you wondered if she would be accepted".
Woo Hoo Champion Penny! Now we have to turn Spike into a therapy cat, ahem.
Oh, Gary, that is FABULOUS NEWS! I'm so happy for you & Penny -- and for all of the people who will be cheered by her unconditional love. ♥
Okay, my 80yo mom injured her back this summer MOVING CEMENT BLOCKS. What can I say? She has always been healthy and active. Now she has a compression fracture in her back and after being at a nursing home/rehab center for 4 weeks at $300/day she has come to stay with us for a few weeks. OMG. She has to wear a back brace, which in her mind is something akin to hanging on a cross. I just don't know if I can cope with the whining and complaining for the next few weeks. Worse yet, there is no guarantee that she will recover enough from this to go back to her own home. Oh crap, then what? Please take this in the spirit it was intended...i love my mom...but juggling work and caregiving is not easy. Note to my siblings: I do not need advice, I NEED HELP, I NEED YOU TO COME AND HELP OUT EVERY NOW AND THEN.
Gary, thrilled that you had such a wonderful experience. I know how much pets can mean to older people, who are no longer able to manage them on their own. What a wonderful thing you will be doing!
I have a great job. It's just that it's not where my heart is. It's not my calling. But I am committed to it, for at least another year or even more. It's not that I hate it, I don't. I just realized today, when I was at a church conference, that I really actually enjoy church stuff. I have no plans to quit, no reason to quit. I just needed to tell someone that i realize the issue now. It's that my heart is somewhere else when it comes to work.
I am, however, enjoying my family.
And the ability to rent on demand movies when no one else is home to say "I don't WANT to watch The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"!
This week I booked a holiday for my husband and I. Two weeks in a Villa at a coastal resort during november, our summer.
It's our first time away in 3 years. My teen had major medical problems over the last 2 years which took our time, energy and money.
I can not wait.
My daughter is fine, healthy and happy now. She's at college doing nursing.
When she exclaimed about the dates, complaining that she wouldn't be able to come because she would be studying
.....well I toughened up, and told her she was not invited.
She's a good kid with a sense of humour so she laughed.
I do not feel guilty, not one bit.
Sometimes I forget my kids' middle names. Please tell me I am not alone.
SC, you are not alone. We only have one kid in the house and my husband constantly calls him "Brian"...which is Nick's brother's name.
Confession, to go along with SC's.
I do not know, nor have I ever known, my kids' birth statistics. (Length, weight, actual time of birth). I have made them all up, and they have become legend.
No, they were not both born at a "47" (3:47 a.m., 12:47 p.m.). It's because I like the number 47, and I can remember it. Is that wrong?
And no, they were (probably) not BOTH exactly 7 pounds, 7 ounces. _I_ was 7 pounds 7 oz when I was born, and that's the best I've got when they ask. And _I_ was the one who was 21 inches long. Or at least that's what mom told me. For all I know, she's passing on the same lies from generations of lying mothers.
Also? I don't regularly get late-night phone calls from the International Authority On Parenting Regulations. Even when I say they have signed a new ordinance stating that I am not allowed to do any parenting after 8;45 p.m. I am NOT actually in the Union, and they will NOT revoke my membership if I violate the contract.
Just so you know.
Kate, I wish I was half as funny as you! I'm go glad I met you so I can get the full image of your badass self.
I know I'm late to the party, but kate, I'm going to steal that last part...and maybe I should print up a membership card to flash to my little peoples just to back it up.
SC, I sometimes forget which kid I'm talking to. And I only have 3.
My mother was famous for yelling up the stairs for someone other than the child she needed....famously after one of my siblings moved out (the one who you play Bunco with occasionally) she started yelling her name up the stairs. Over and Over. I finally said "Um, are you looking for me?" She was Not Amused. We knew we were in deep trouble if she started working her way down from HER siblings names into her CHILDREN"S names.
Now the oldest sounds like my husband on the phone. Yikes!
Kate, good job on the IAOPR. Wish I'd thought of that. The closest I ever came to that was when I used to babysit for a family up the street THAT wise woman had a number printed beside their slimline wall phone and without fail she would remind the children that she was giving me the number of the MEAN babysitter and if they got out of line I was to call it without fail. Worked like a charm.
Kate, your humor sounds a lot like my mother's. I'll have to tell you about the April Fools Joke story someday (according to her, the best one ever thought up. According to me, the basis of many of my neuroses). The IAOPR is genius though. When kiddo gets older I'll have to use that on her, mwahahahaha!