Sunday
Feb262012

Bigger Love, Episode 96: The Colonoscopy, Part I

Three Februaries ago, Mrs. G. watched a marathon session of HBO's Big Love and wondered if the premise of this show would work if the roles were reversed. Mrs. G. wondered if viewers and critics would respond as enthusiastically to a show about one woman with three husbands. A show, for instance, called...

biggerlove
Bigger Love. So she wrote a pilot and the response was overwhelming. Episodes 41, 55, 66 and 82 were warmly embraced as well.

 

ido 

 

The world seemed ready for a show about Mrs. G and the three hot husbands who serve her every need. HBO, call her.

 

geodish 

In the last episode, Mrs. G. and her husbands weathered the recession, moved into a Seattle gated community, fought bitterly with their intolerant neighbors and, finally, relocated to Manhattan for religious freedom and decent bagels.

They found a nice rent controlled apartment across the street from Central Park and good schools for the kids. George took over kitchen. Matt was in charge of animals and housework and Brad...now that's a story.

 

brangie

Brad had briefly left the marriage before the big move but eventually showed up in Manhattan with his newfound love, a quiet woman named Annalina. Mrs. G, not really one to share, allowed Annalina to stay for dinner because it didn't take her long to realize Annalina was one of those human dolls, you know, the kind of dolls created for adults. Mrs. G. was initially repulsed by the idea of sharing her husband and home with a human doll but then Brad explained that Annalina was produced in Pennsylvania, the homestate of Rick Santorum and, therefore, was manufactured without a vagina or a working mouth, two of Santorum's biggest fears. Brad explained that while he and Annalina's love was passionate it was mainly cerebral. When you have three husbands and assorted household help, you must be willing to roll with the punches, fudge the rules, so Mrs. G. agreed Annalina could join the family if Brad agreed to talk to a therapist, at least explore his issues with, well, dolls. For your own protection Mrs. G. recommends you avoid googling "human dolls" and...

 

lars

just rent the movie Lars and the Real Girl, Annalina's first acting role.

Mrs. G. immediately sought the help of a therapist. Dr. Byrne explained that the extent of Brad's mental breakdown was so profound and troubling, he would need to move in to offer round-the-clock therapy. Brad refused to talk to Dr. Byrne or deal with his affair of the only one beating heart.

 

annalinab 

He moved out again.

 

colonr

Mrs. G. was forced to hire one manny selling oranges on the side of the road, mate.

 

Ben Affleck

And another one just jogging by. She checked their references.

 

treatment

Annalina and Dr. Byrne stayed. They had daily therapy sessions for ten weeks. "Any day now." Dr. Byrne said each time Mrs. G. wrote him a check. "We're really making progress. Therapy isn't an exact science." 

Mrs. G. nodded and then sent him out for the new Enya cd. She called a locksmith because as luck would have it, changing locks is an exact science.

 

annalina

Annalina took it in stride. And despite being rather fond of the woman, Mrs. G. gave Brad an ultimatum. She told him to move back and help take care of his seven kids or she would throw Annalina in the recycling bin. Brad agreed to come home on one condition: no therapy. Mrs. G. agreed. "You don't have to worry about him anymore. I sent him out for the new Enya cd and she hasn't released anything since 2009." Crisis averted.

 

Until Matt came home and told Mrs. G. he had bought a dilapidated zoo in California. "I don't have time for this shit!" Mrs. G. screamed. "You don't know anything about exotic animals, Matt!"

montecore

 

colong

"BUT IT'S ON MY BUCKET LIST!" He screamed over and over and over again. "DID YOU HEAR ME? MY BUCKET LIST!"

Mrs. G. nodded and asked him to go out and pick up some Thai food. She changed the locks while he was gone.

"A house divided against itself is directly related to bucket lists! Skydiving and digging up ancient artifacts in Egypt on my dime are out of the question. Why can't you just do all this shit after you're dead? In, you know, HEAVEN!" Mrs. G. yelled at Matt as he pounded on the door.

"Never tell me the sky is too high when there are footprints on the moon," he yelled back.

"Are you quoting SARK? SARK? We need some time apart," Mrs. G. said, calming down. "Just go sleep in the car and cool off."

"There is a lion named Montecore in the backseat."

"Are you telling me you bought a lion named Montecore?"

"Yes."

"Does he have stripes?"

"Yes."

............................

The stress of trying to hold her family together was taking it's toll on Mrs. G's health. George insisted she go in for a physical.

colonoz 

The first doctor she went to suggested Mrs. G, due to unexplained nausea and stomach pain, should get a colonoscopy and buy a neti pot. He was a little too enthusiastic about examining the entire length of her colon. "Especially the flora and fauna!" he said cheerfully, rubbing his hands together. When Mrs. G. mentioned her reservations about anyone getting too close to her butt, he laughed it off. "My wife and I have learned to appreciate the smells of our bodies, the sharp and the musky."

"How nice for you both," Mrs. G. sputtered. "I appreciate your time, Dr. Oz, but my phobia is real and documented. It's called stayawayfrommyanusiosis, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to seek a second opinion. And since we're being honest about difficult subjects, I have to tell you my friend Mary Alice calls you 'Free Willy' because you obviously don't wear underpants under your scrubs. I need a more fortified barrier between me and my doctor."

Mrs. G. went home and told George what Dr. Oz. advised. He rubbed her feet for the four hours it took for her butt cheeks to unclench. "Don't fret, my love, I'll make you an appointment with a guy I think you'll like, George said sweetly.

 

colonb

"Cacao!" Mrs. G. screamed as she ran out of his office.

 

When George found out Mrs. G. had made an appointment with Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, he had an epiphany.

colonc

 

He had to come clean about his past.

colone

 

colonn

 

colono 

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Reader Comments (70)

Holy shit Mrs G! (pun initially unintentional) Youhave to drink that whole containerful???? I am in awe.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertrash

Oh crap, Mrs G, no way? I was kinda thinking if the doctor ever suggests a colonoscopy that I might suggest that we wait until the whole thing can be like a, well, airport screening xray? Stand there with your shoes off, fully clothed, and walk through an arch?????? because otherwise...! (best wishes and hope things turn out best for your health!)

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergary rith

OMG! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL PART TWO. I'M GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT RICK SANTORUM'S VERSION OF THE HUMAN DOLL ALL DAY. NO SEX, NO TALK. I'VE HAD THE PROCEDURE AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH MORE MEANINGFUL IF DOUG ROSS HAD BEEN THE DUDE DOING IT. FOWARDING THIS TO ALL MY FEMALE FRIENDS!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNAN

Montecorte? Bawahahaha. Perfect detail to Matt's new zoo!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterma in cali

The prep really is the worst part!! Thanks for the eye candy and giggle this morning! Ah, those three could be my husbands anytime!!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Russell

Deleted by Mrs. G.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTrisha

@Trisha-

Really? Regardless of your feelings polically, what does it benefit you or your beliefs or Mrs. G to say any of that? I'm as conservative as they come, so when there are things that I don't like or agree with in this blog (or any other) - hey, I either just don't read them, or move on, sure in my own beliefs and not needing to be a *BITCH* and say stuff that is not helpful to anyone, only harmful and hurtful. If you don't like it GTFOH and shut up!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbeckyb

Nice system you have here. Disagree with a reader's opinion and delete them. I'll say it again. I don't like you or your blog anymore. Retire before you are an internet joke.

Becky, I thought this was a community. Can't their be dissension in a community without you calling names?

Delete me, ban me, whatever.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTrisha

Tricia...most likely your comment was deleted to save you from being castigated by Mrs. Gs very loyal readers. And, you know, troll comments should be deleted. They don't deserve attention. It's possible to express a contrary opinion without being rude. A comment like that would not have been deleted. Try it sometime!

Mrs. G...while you are awake, no one will go anywhere NEAR the 'zone.' You won't remember a thing, except that truly awful prep.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterunmitigated me

I'm really struggling with my open door comment policy. I don't like deleting comments unless they attack an innocent bystander. I do put myself out here, so I feel Trisha's right about not shutting down disagreement or even anger. I'm considering requiring commenters to include their emails so they have to stand behind their words...except on Weekend Witness when anonymity is crucial.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. G.

Can we all just enjoy the silliness of the post and move along?

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. G.

Before you drink this, buy the best, softest toilet paper you can find. Trust me on this.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDeb

Aaaaah, I think Deb speaks wise words.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertrash

Oh, I feel for you Mrs. G. If you aren't already scheduled for twilight sedation, you can probably request it? Or has the deed already been done? Mr. Sally had an invasive intimate procedure done (a different one than yours but possibly more humiliating) and he hardly remembers a thing.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMustang Sally

Chill it.

No, I mean it literally. Chill the stuff, it'll go down easier.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

While I agree with Mrs. G. about not 'feeding the beast', I think it's imperative that we stand up for the same right to speak freely that these trolls insist on. I don't agree with everything Mrs. G. has to say. Hell, I don't agree with a great deal my freakin' husband has to say, but I don't feel it necessary to be demeaning and insulting. Oh, and Trisha? Learn a few of the basic spelling and grammar rules. We have standards around here.

And the colonoscopy? I'll be back when it's over. Not only do I not want anyone touching it, I don't even like talking about it. Just get it over with!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNacCrackHouse

fabulous, as ever. and looking at that last pic? oh heavens, sympathy ...

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbethany

The prep is the worst part. You will be fine. I am puzzled by people who read blogs they don't like. There is enough crap in life without willingly subjecting yourself to stuff you don't like. I hope you hang in there Mrs. G. I thoroughly enjoy your blog.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDorrie

This is wonderful, and you are once again making something awful amusing. Making us smile about colonoscopies? Wouldn't have thought it possible.
Hope Matt is feeling better.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

Love it! And, Mary Alice... Freewilly? Haha!

Mrs. G. you always make me laugh, so I'll tell you a story in hopes of returning the favor:

A bunch of friends of mine went camping, and at some point one of them had to go... you know... number two. In the woods. She grabbed the baby wipes they had packed for this purpose and headed to the nearest bush.

The others were setting up camp when suddenly they heard from the bush an agonizing "GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Turns out the genius had accidentally grabbed the Armorall car wipes instead! Yeouch.

I bet her arse was squeaky clean and shiny, though.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCaro

Hilarious post about bigger love. And the dreaded butt invasion? Trust Deb's advice re: toilet paper, chillax and have your designated driver make a beeline for the nearest restaurant post procedure. You will be starving afterward. And for the record, I didn't lose a damn pound in spite of the of the prep and the procedure. There is no justice. But I did find I was a perfect a**hole, so I got a pass for 10 years. Yay me.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermarty

Okay. Caro, you made me laugh out loud....I'll probably chuckle all day long.
And Mrs. G. You make me laugh about a colonoscopy. I wish people would stop telling me how bad the prep is, because that is stopping me from making the appointment! I dread it.
And again, ignore the meanies. Can you imagine being them? Being hateful all the time? Must be a miserable life.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterknittergran

I didn't think you could outdo your original work. but you have!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGreen Girl in Wisconsin

"my phobia is real and documented. It's called stayawayfrommyanusiosis" This made me laugh out loud. So funny, Mrs. G, so very funny.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElaine

You've done it again, Mrs. G.

As for deleting comments: Thoughtful disagreement is one thing; flat-out meanness is another. There's no place for that here. Zap 'em.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter*m*

I heartily commend your selection of Manny #2, though I do hope you will ask him to get a haircut.

This had me CRACKING UP, Mrs. G. Sark. Montecore. Don't forget that Annalina is allergic to gluten! WTF is wrong with your men, Mrs. G? They have gone batshit crazy all of a sudden.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Also, I just have to remind you of this Chris Rock joke about Montecore: "That tiger didn't go crazy! That tiger went TIGER!"

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Colonoscopies are dreaded things, so if you make even one person laugh and dare to get one kuddos to you! My dad died of Colon cancer last year so I got one for my 40th and I thought the prep was going to kill me. I almost couldn't keep it down but forced myself to think calm thoughts so I wouldn't have to start again. I would so delete people who post personal attacks. My BIL just posted on my facebook that I am impossible to argue with because I get defensive and write in declarative sentences. On Facebook? What else am I supposed to use? Anyway, I unfriended him.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTina B

Damn, I missed the dissention!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

Why keep posting on a blog you claim to 'hate'? Jealous, much?

Ok, so is the colonoscopy thing a required rite of passage for all women of a certain age? Should I just get it because all the other girls are getting it, or should I only think about it if there's a history of colon issues in my family? Neither the prep or the exam itself sound remotely like anything I want to do.

And I LOVED Matt Damon in 'We Bought A Zoo'. I could watch that silly, predictable, downright feel-good movie over and over again. Sometimes I need that!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

"but then Brad explained that Annalina was produced in Pennsylvania, the homestate of Rick Santorum and, therefore, was manufactured without a vagina or a working mouth, two of Santorum's biggest fears."

This. And the 'stayawayfrommyanusiosis'.

I bloody love you, Mrs. G. You can make an arse-exam funny, and that's a rare skill. This post cracked me up.

In all seriousness, I hope it goes (went?) OK.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNic

When I was a pharmacy tech we carried a colonoscopy prep called Go-Lytely. The possibly worst name EVER!

I'm waiting until the "swallow the camera pill" becomes affordable.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Miss Sunshine State

This post was chuck-full of so many great things...so many that I can't even reference them because it would be the entire post again!
And the bottle of glup you have to ingest? wow.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Good luck!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentersusan

Oh Mrs. G, you always make me laugh! Love this episode!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSusan:)

you know, you know, we all come here for different reasons but if an iron is hot and you keep touching it then it will keep burning you.
If it hurts when you hit your hand with a hammer stop using the hammer.
If your kid keeps throwing the food on the floor while you are feeding him, he is not really hungry.
In other words if you no longer like coming here there is a wide world www. out there waiting for you.
I woke up today feeling hurt,and not fit for human kind.
After trying to figure out why I decided that somedays we all wake up felling out of focus-take a step back, breath- you are lucky to be here and be alive.
Ladies- we are a community and sometime someone needs to move on and away.
If you feel that walk with grace out the door.
You may at some point want to come back.
Heather- do what you need to do.
And I hope you and the a** are doing well.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermeredith@whynot

SOOO funny. And I have the same question as Kelley, also being an older woman but with no family history and not REMOTELY wanting to go thru this.

Can't wait for part II.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVivianne

The American Cancer Society suggests getting your first colonoscopy at 50 unless you have a family history. I'm having one early because of unexplained nausea and stomach pain. Here's further info:

http://www.cancer.org/Healthy/FindCancerEarly/CancerScreeningGuidelines/american-cancer-society-guidelines-for-the-early-detection-of-cancer

February 27, 2012 | Registered CommenterMrs. G.

"manufactured without a vagina or a working mouth, two of Santorum's biggest fears." BWHAHAHAHHHAAAA! Its funny because its true.

I love you Mrs. G.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRegina

Leave it to you to put your magical touches on ass probing!

Stayawayfrommyanusiosis. I have the same condition but I just didn't know it had a name. Protoctologists should have this in comic form in their waiting rooms. It would be better than valium!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJanie

If I worked for HBO I would snatch this baby right up. Who doesn't love social, health, emotional issues cloaked in the realm of, what's your term, "mantasy"

I wish I lived in your head. It seems like an fun and interesting place to be. Good luck with the procedure.

~Molly All

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMolly All

Thanks for the laugh and I appreciate you deleting the mean girls.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrightside-Susan

surprised that no one has commented on the dr. house comment which made me snort - should never read this stuff at work i guess. "an ass is an ass is an ass" "should we have a safe word?" awesome stuff.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterwedje

Santorum 2012! Now would you shut up about vaginas? I'm trying to eat my lunch here. I could make a joke about overweight women and vaginas but I'm too classy for that.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGOP gal

"Trust me, Montecort, she'll learn to love you. How could she not? You are the most beautiful lion I have ever seen."

Cackling here. The above commenter made a great point. You could create a kickass graphic novel out of this series. Just put that on your list of things to do.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

Oh, how I love you, Mrs. G!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

Oh, this was quite the episode! Dr. Oz (and the quote I will NEVER forget from Mary Alice -- every time my MIL quotes the man, I choke on those words), Dr. House and his safe word, and George finally coming out of the closet about his doctoral past!
SARK *snort*
"Trust me, Montecort, she'll learn to love you. How could she not? You are the most beautiful lion I have ever seen."

Just this morning while in the doctor's office waiting room, faux news was on and R.S. was being quoted... the most amazing things come out of that man's mouth... and almost as amazing, a network that supports the GOP dares to give it airtime.

Unlike a few nasty commenters who are afraid to let the world know who they really are, I don't drink anyone's Kool-Aid and troll the internet for people who disagree so that I can anonymously dump personal insults upon them.

I have, however, tasted the Colo-Aid, and earned a 10-year pass, good until 2021. Thanks to Marty, I now know why!

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaren (formerly kcinnova)

Thank you for a funny, funny post.
Thank you for taking care of yourself - we want you around a long time :)

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenternavhelowife

Oh my dear Mrs. G, it just keeps getting better and better!!!

"but then Brad explained that Annalina was produced in Pennsylvania, the homestate of Rick Santorum and, therefore, was manufactured without a vagina or a working mouth, two of Santorum's biggest fears."

That made me LOL!! As did the "stayawayfrommyanusiosis" and the 4 hours it took for your butt cheeks to unclench. Har!!!

On the other hand - Kelley and others, I think the current medical advice is that everyone over 50 should get a colonoscopy. Your doctor will tell you how often based on the results and your family history. And yeah, the prep is no fun at all, but it BEATS HELL out of colon cancer, which is how my father died. I get The Big C every 3 years (actually, I got such a clean bill of health - hoho - last time that I don't have to go back for 5 years.

Also - put a little baby oil on that TP when you're nearing the end of, er, The Big Empty. It will help.

And finally, as far as I can tell our latest troll breezed right past the clearly stated warnings about the nature of this post and still felt called upon to kick up a fuss. Where I come from, that is known as Passive Aggressive Behavior and it's both cowardly and extremely annoying. It's your blog, Heather. Delete anyone and anything you like.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBriget

Thank you Mrs. G. Bigger Love and all things here at the Manor are bright lights when the days seem impossibly grey. I love you and I am sure the impending "invasion" will prove that you are practically perfect in every way and have a record breaking-scientifically exquisite (therefore requiring documentation, ritual adoration, and reverence) funny bone. Why it is located in your ass is a theme for another day. Suffice to say, George receives an amazing NIH research grant and your family will be the first polygamist union invited to a White House dinner in your honor. Michelle will want to know how you manage so marvelously.

February 27, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterk

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