After tallying the votes and emailing extensively with many of you, the consensus (by a large margin) is spreading the Derf love regionally (in small gatherings) across the U.S. is preferable to trying to arrange one large Wad gathering. The Other Kay (God love her) has not only held Mrs. G's hand through several phone calls but has generously offered some pretty incredible venues for the California contingency. Thank you, Other Kay. Mrs. G. would probably have chickened out if it wasn't for you.
So as of this evening chickening out is no longer an option. Plans have been made. Mrs. G. is going to get in the car July 1st and drive her ass all over hell and back to find yous, sit with yous, laugh with yous, dance with yous, celebrate female solidarity and complete strangers having each others' backs. Let's turn off the television and the radio and generate some good news. We might even have to take a trip or two to Michaels for glitter and Sculpey Bake and Bend Clay. Listen, we are going to tear it up.
In order to pull this off, Mrs. G. is going to need some help.
First, she needs to know where you live and if you can lend her your couch for a night. Mrs. G. regrets asking you to put her up the same day she admitted to allowing her washing machine repair man to unknowingly kneel in cat pee, but what's done is done and let's try and put that behind us. Please only offer your couch if you mean it because Mrs. G's biggest fear, as many of you know, is being kidnapped on a dark freeway, shoved in a coffin and forced to live underneath some freak and his wife's bed, only let out on Sundays for torture and a shower.
Second, she needs to know where you live and if you are firmly committed to getting together because her route is dependent on maximizing Derf fellowship. The more of us who can gather together, the more likely Mrs. G. is to drive there.
Third, she needs to know who is willing to host a low-key gathering (or find a good restaurant or bar to hang out as a group).
All emails should be sent to email@example.com*
Fourth, unlike many A-List bloggers who have made similar excursions, Mrs. G. has the following Z-List corporate sponsors.
But not to worry. Mrs. G. has a fancy espresso machine and assorted things to sell on Ebay small trust fund and some mad money tucked away, but she can't fund this excursion on her own. She's got to rent a car and fill up the gas tank a few times.
Rather than ask for blatant handouts, Mrs. G. has is offering sponsorships accompanied by winning, seductive prizes that coincidentally also sound like Urban Dictionary sex acts.
Bronze Tabby: a $10 donation earns you a personal manshoe shopping consultation.
Silver Calico: a $25 dollar donation earns you a video of Mr. G. making his famous pasta sauce, complete with the ultra secret ingredient he is normally unwilling to reveal to anyone. Some friends think they have the recipe, but they don't have it have it if you know what Mrs. G. is saying.
Gold Persian: a $50 donation enters you in a drawing for one of Mrs. G's most hideous pieces of bad cat art.
Triple-Platinum Full Siamese with Extra Depp Sauce: a $100 donation earns you a phone call from Mrs. G's mom, who will critique your hair and weight.
Any money donated will be reported and itemized receipts will be scanned and accounted for on one of the many I Am A Derfwad...Summer 2012 pages, pages that will facilitate organization, potential carpooling opportunities and meet up information for each regional gathering.
If more money is donated than necessary to help cover Mrs. G's travel expenses, it will be spent on food and drink for all at get-togethers. If not enough money is donated to help cover Mrs. G's travel expenses, she is going to have to turn major tricks until July.
Here is how Mrs. G. feels:
Let's do this thing!
More details on route and dates as soon as she gets the necessary info.