dear 40,000 or so moms...
Thursday, March 8, 2012 at 4:58PM Mrs. G. 
Dear 40,000 or so One Million Moms,
Mrs. G. has forgiven you for your hissy fit over Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls ice cream flavor even though she really wanted to enjoy a big bowl of Schweddy balls while watching one of your many least favorite shows, Modern Family. Unlike you, Mrs. G. loves that show even though it has gays, Colombians, Asians, sexually aware teenagers and humor in it.
While perusing your website today, Mrs. G. familiarized herself with your purpose:
OneMillionMoms.com was begun to give moms an impact with the decision-makers and let them know we are upset with the messages they are sending our children and the values (or lack of them) they are pushing.
Interesting.
So, Schweddy Balls and Modern Family aside, Mrs. G. is writing this letter in hopes that we can work out some sort of arrangement, and by arrangement she means schooling you on a few of your organization's inconsistencies and the art of disagreement and compromise.
First, One Million Moms, you only have 40,000 or so members and in Mrs. G's house, her family refers to this as "Homeschool Math." They were a homeschooling family, so this is not a pejorative term or a personal insult. It just means that, like them, you might want to rely more heavily on a calculator.
Now to the notion of compromise.
Currently you are urging your members to email Toys 'R' Us and insist the company remove the Archie comic with the same-sex Just Married cover on it. Mrs. G. could explain how Archie and his gay peeps are cartoon characters or that the cover could just as easily be a scene from the movie Wedding Crashers, but she's not.
Instead, she's going to respectfully request you urge your followers to also email the Christian Broadcasting Network and suggest they prohibit Pat Robertson, no meteorology training to speak of, from delivering weather reports that might inspire children to fear God and wind.
Mrs. G. sees you are also urging members to email the Lifetime Network, to not air the "highly sexual" program The Client's List about a jilted wife who is forced to become a "masseuse" in a "spa."
Again, Mrs. G. isn't going to get on her soapbox and point out that Lifetime is a network geared toward adult women or how the woman in The Client List takes the job so she can support her children who have been abandoned by their father, because, read the program's tagline, a mother will do anything for her family.
No, Mrs. G's just going to tell you to quit pretending it's about the kids and suck it up because during their weekly phone calls, she was forced to hear her grandmother describe all 211 episodes of Touched By An Angel.
Mrs. G. is certain you are annoyed that JCPenney refused to succumb to your pressure to fire Ellen as its current spokesperson.
Mrs. G. is baffled, 40,000 or so One Million Moms, you don't have any issues with radio personality and spokesperson Rush Limbaugh whose family values include: illegal drugs, infidelity, multiple wives, calling women sluts and soliciting sex tapes. He has over 25 million listeners and Mrs. G. bets little ears are in the house or backseat while he is spewing his family values.
In conclusion, 40,000 or so One Million Moms, Mrs. G. has to point out some of your enlightening Facebook quotes.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter.
~Martin Luther King
In this, we are in agreement
Jesus Christ 'Two Most Explosive Words' says Brit Hume
In this, we are not in agreement.
Photo by Dave Parrish
Mrs. G. believes the two current most explosive words are vaginal and probe.
Wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our phone? What if we: carried it around in our purses or pockets? flipped through it several times a day? turned back to go get it if we forgot it? treated it like we couldn't live without it? gave it to teens as gifts? used it when we traveled & in case of an emergency? Unlike our cell, our Bible doesn't have dropped calls because it is always reliable!
Hard to say but here are some possibilities:
With all due respect, 40,000 or so One Million Moms, all your fears and concerns seem simply solved: ease up on the emails and monitor what your kids are watching.
Lighten up. Worry about your own selves, and leave the rest of us and our Schweddy Balls alone. We're all mainly doing the best we can.
Warmly,
Mrs. G.
Mental, Pop Culture
Reader Comments (96)
Heather, I still have that container of Schweddy Balls in my deep freeze, just waiting for you!
Plenty more I could comment about, but I think I'll just leave you with a big AMEN!
Well, it takes all types, really. But now I want ice cream.
Oh, and have you read Crazy for God yet? Wonderful book - your mentioning Pat Robertson brought it to mind.
You know what really cranks my chain? That when they don't agree with a value they label it lack of values. No, I have values too, they are just different ( and inclusive)
This is the most offensive post I have ever read. I will never be back. Myself and five of my friends are ufriending you immediately. I don't like you any more.
And when did you become so snarky?
Anon, around third grade. You and your five friends take care. This is a humor blog.
I'm giving you a standing ovation down here in FL.
Good one, Mrs. G. There are several of us old readers who have watched your blog, comments and writing decline. You might want to go ez on the jokes for a while.
I have nothing to add you covered it all. Thank you AGAIN.
I'm not worthy.
I totally wish I could have played with you at recess in third grade!
Another great post - made me laugh the whole read through.
You know, Schweddy Balls ice cream was pretty good. I especially like the malted milk balls.
Hmm. Well, I was trying to think of a response but I can't seem to formulate it. My mom is a very conservative Christian and I grew up with those values. I haven't completely rejected them, but I have definitely come to realize that there isn't just one right way to live and also, it's not up to us to judge other people. Reading this blog has helped me in my journey to being a more open minded person, and I am thankful for that. Also, Mrs. G is just plain funny and fun to read, whatever the topic.
I am seriously wiping tears from my eyes at the homeschool math calculator paragraph. Oh dear sweet vaginal probe!
Ooooh, girl wait until those 40,000 or so moms get wind of this post. Batten down the hatches, Heather.
Anon since you insisted you were never going to come back, I have made that easier for you.
Mrs. G., I'm confused. Are you writing somewhere else where these delicate flowers who are unfriending you used to read? I don't detect the slightest change in your writing, and I've been reading you for years. I really don't understand folks who flounce out. Ladies, if you don't like it, move on. No need to hissy.
As to the post: sing it, sister!
Don't make me love you too much Mrs. G. I might make a graven image of you and start worshipping it.
Genius. Keep it up. I believe if you see something that is wrong and don't at least attempt to fix it you are not doing your duty to all.
Glad Anon is leaving and taking her five boring friends with her. Is she the boss of them? Maybe they don't want to go?
Still. they are not invited to our summer party.
Thank you for a great and fun post, Mrs. G. I may cruise up I-5 to sit outside your house and worship quietly. Then again, it would be more fun to say Hi and shoot the breeze. If I weren't afraid of introducing myself to people and all that.
i'm sorry..."when did you become so snarky?" fer shizzle?? jeez louise, obviously Anon and her/his 5 friends have not been around for too long!! hahahaha.....when did you become so snarky? THAT's a good one!!!
i always wonder, after pat makes his "it's because they are not Christian/they didn't pray enough" comments after disasters, if we were to go to those places again, would the people still living there be more religious than before?? you know....for preventative measures?? and really? is anywhere safe anymore?? natural disasters are happening more and more in some very interesting places...some never-before-though-about places.....his 'it's your fault for building there' just comes across as a bit too flip for me.
and just for the record...thanks mrs. g for keeping it real.....and real funny!!
snarky....indeed!
oh...and i'm wondering...are Schweddy Balls even available anymore? they ARE on my list of "things i need to try when i'm in the states".
Well.... I've never heard of "one million moms" but I've sure as shit heard of Mrs. G., and I'll continue reading for a good long time.
Carry on -- pretty please?
Oh bless your sweet heart Mrs. G. Every day I get fired up and head to my computer to write something and before I can type it my brain implodes and I sit rocking back and forth keening.
Most recently it was the photo image selected as world press photo of the year (see it here: http://www.worldpressphoto.org/) that shows a woman in burka cradling an apparently naked and injured man. It is a startling image and not unlike Michaelangelo's Pieta. And my first response to the image was that I am so freaking sick of all religions because they place the responsibility and blame for men's lack of sexual control/immoral thought/ dangerous behavior squarely on the backs of women.
We are so freaking dangerous with our seductive parts and wily ways that men must subjugate, dominate, control, and literally conceal us. And yet woman seem to continually willing to step forward to birth the babies, clean up the bullshit, fry the bacon and to hold the dying. And they also, in scary and substantial numbers, line up to chuck rocks at their sisters when they deem them immoral or become frightened that maybe they will have to confront the Stockholm Syndrome within which they navigate their lives.
When I see woman like Patricia "the right wing nut job" Heaton defending Rush Limbidiot and scandalizing the name of a woman who speaks out against the insanity of a sausage-fest governing board deciding how to control access to women's health care I feel sick.
Sisters, we have to stop this bullshit distraction and squabbling and say it like it is, like you do Mrs. G. The old boys network loves a million moms- all 40,000 of them for the sole reason that they perpetuate the favorite sport of the patriarchy-"bitch bating" as good old Big Fat Idiot Rush likes to call it. You little girls fight amongst yourselves while we quietly snuggle you back into burkas and stand on your throats.
I am screaming in my head all day long. Thank goodness for you Mrs G. You throw open the doors of the manor and invite sanity in.
As always, funny, insightful and delightfully snarky.
Also, I completely agree with Becca - I have very high values, they are just not in line with what they call values.
I really wish when people pack up their toys and leave the Manor, they would tell us who they are instead of posting as 'Anon'. How can I properly tell you and the 5 voices in your head goodbye, Anon, if I don't know who you are?
I don't even pay attention to this One Eleventy-Hundred Moms BS because nothing they say ever makes sense. And I suspect that you're right; there are plenty of households subjecting their kids to Rush's values every day, but they never say anything about that.
I have plenty of other thoughts about this, but it's only 5:30AM, so I can't formulate them properly yet.
Repetition I know but dammit Mrs G, you write like nothing else! I love reading the posts you put up and even more I love reading the comments/conversation that follows, viz - "Anon, around third grade. You and your five friends take care. This is a humor blog." & "Glad Anon is leaving and taking her five boring friends with her. Is she the boss of them? Maybe they don't want to go?"
Mrs. G, you snarky, spunky strumpet, I love this!
I read, for years now quietly stalking, and never comment as I don't feel all that clever or collected. But this is yet another great post and leaving ugly comments as anon is no way for anyone to stand up for their beliefs!
"Homeschool Math." Yet another of the delightful reasons that I like reading you!
Amen, Mrs. G! I have to get busy and build a house where no natural disasters ever happen...hmm. This may take some research.
Amen! Oh, and "The Lesbian Bank of Your Mama" forced a rather unflattering early morning coffee snort out of me!
I'm offended by the cowardice involved when those who leave ugly comments do so while peeking from behind the protective apron strings of anonymity. Where's your conviction, anonymous? Now get lost and stay there!
Mrs. G the only problem with this post was it was too short. I'm sure there are a gazillion more things you could point out to those 27.5 or so moms but you probably had to walk Chewie or something. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing. You are spot on. The hypcrisy of women like that makes me cringe. CRINGE I say! As for me? Team G all the way. The Stepford Moms can just go on their merry way.
Can I get an AMEN! Your snark is right on as always!
Love it. I don't understand what was so offensive to Anon. They were Bible quotes after all, had she never read them? Or was it the mere sight of Ellen DeGenerese? Or was it the photo of the woman protesting all of this again? Or was it, perhaps, you made her giggle, just a little and she felt guilty. (Since laughter must be a sin because it makes one feel good) I don't know, but I'm glad she is gone bye-bye.
And "K" right on sister. My head has exploded so many times in the past month I can't put my thoughts in order either. They are all jumbled up inside there.
Love you Mrs. G, and your snarky, offensive, FUNNY, blog!
Love your snarkasaurus ass! Ha!
The problem with the bible is that people twist it to believe what THEY want. If they read it, they would see that you can't change it to suit your needs, which is exactly what every religion out there does. I do have a great set of values and standards that we try to follow in our home,none of them religious, but it's mostly just to be kind, have fun, and work hard. The rest will follow. We love watching Modern Family, currently one of our favorites, and our 11 year old loves it too. He has a great understanding of the world and the COMEDY within it. It's not like we let him watch Shamelss for pete's sake....LOL!
Hatred is taught at home, Anon, so get your ass outta here. You won't be missed....keep up the great work Mrs G!
"Snark" is exactly why I come here! Keep up the great work with articulating what so many of us are thinking, but don't have your gift to put into words.
One Million Moms sounds like the cliche of bitchy bitches in high school who would start rumors and hate on anyone who dared cross their paths. They're the worst kind of bullies, too, because they hide under the premise of "values" and "morals". BARF.
"Spunky strumpet". Good one Naomi B. -- that perfectly sums up our lovely Mrs. G.!
You are the writer I've always wanted to be. Alas, I don't have the talent and creativity so I'm glad you're here. And those one million moms (homeschool math...snicker, snicker), what Stepford Wives they must be. I feel sorry for their kids.
Keep on Keepin' On!
Oh, almost forgot. When I watch the news after any natural disaster, there is always a survivor who says "God was watching out for us."
I always wonder what the friends and families of their now-deceased neighbors think. God didn't like their family/friend? Seems a cruel thing to say.
Wonderful post, Mrs. G! I bless the day I came across your little corner of the web, as it has given me hope that I am the last sane person on Earth. But... I do live in the deep south, and god bless their hearts, some of these folks just don't know any better.
Ugh... "that I am NOT the last sane person on Earth." Whoops!
Right on the button, as always, Mrs. G! I stay the Hell Away from as much of this insane bullshit as I can, but it's becoming so prevalent that even I can't escape all knowledge. So thank goodness I can get much of my information from master humorists - yes, I'm including you right up there with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
Also, Rush Limbaugh = pond life. Except that this is an insult to pond life.
Safe for work but potentially offensive to those widout no sensayuma. Buh-bye, anon and anon friends. Find yourself a blog where people don't like to think and question.
Mrs. G - I lurve your writing and YOU! While I squirm a little sometimes because I don't always share the same beliefs - I also feel like my eyes are opened a little more, just from reading another's point of view! Is it uncomfortable? Yup....but it won't ever keep me away from here. On the flip side - the Derf's here have always been welcoming to me even though I outed myself as a conservative and a republican (don't shudder). In general, I have a huge problem with the chickens/bullies that come here, spew their judgement and huff off. It's been said before - you can have a conversation, we can have differing points of view - no need to be mean and nasty. I think you've brought a level of honesty into MY life, and you do it well with your good nature, your humor and your excellent writing skills! The "anons" of the world are missing out an opportunities to learn, grow and maybe have a little fun! We all know that you are a big hearted softy....and really, in the end, that is all I ever want anyone to remember about ME....that I was a good person. All the other tags don't matter.
Mrs. G, I'm betting there are more than 40,000 (or even a million) moms who agree with YOU!
Fantastic post. You took the thoughts right out of my head!
Diane Carol -- You are not just a good person, you're the BEST kind of person.
Mrs. G -- You definitely have Schweddy Balls!
It seems like I am always posting that I love you. I should just give up, make you a mixed tape, and ask you to go steady. My husband would understand.
Seriously, Heather, I love you. And thank you for writing this!
Please another "AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!" to the growing list.
Mrs G I was just wondering when you will be releasing your range of inspirational posters. You know, the ones you created under the name of 'Snark'.
(heh heh, get me making a funny on a foreign country's cultural reference. heh heh)