Thursday
Sep132012
Full Confessional Friday
Thursday, September 13, 2012 at 5:37PM Mrs. G. 
Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister.
Photo: Marge Bodidilo and Tibby Gill, (assistants to International Stampede artist Steve Clemento), in sharp-shooting act at the garden party for the farewell to Governor Game (held to raise funds for the District and Bush Nursing Association), 11/1/35, Sam Hood
tagged Full Confessional Friday
Full Confessional Friday
Reader Comments (63)
Glad this is open early.
My high school kids are facing a tough week. Three kids from thier highschool have died in the last four days. One from a shooting over drugs at a gas station. One from suicide, shot himself at his home. One bright girl finally died of congenital heart and lung defects.
As a parent I hurt for all those parents.
As a parent I hurt for my kids struggling with this new emotion, this new sense of mortality and I struggle to explain it.
I am grateful they are willing and able to come to me and tell me about it and in the case of my lovely 17yr old stepdaughter, cry and be willing to take a hug.
Everybody go hug your babies.
Will do, Molly. What a tragic week.
Molly, that's hard. I was on the other side of that scenario when a fellow student in my high school was killed. I remember coming out of her memorial service amazed that regular life was still happening. I'm glad they have you to lean on.
We were out of power last week for 5 days due to a windstorm, and the National
weather Service announced yesterday that we will have another windstorm on Saturday!
I just...aaaahhhhh! If we lose power again So soon and it is out a long time again, I will lose my ever loving mind!!!
Oh Molly I am so sorry, that is such a hard thing for teens to come to terms with. My son was in 9th grade when a older friend took his life. I watched the boys act as pall bearers at the funeral and what I saw were boys who became men in that moment. As if the situation wasn't hard enough, my son still has some unresolved feelings wondering what anyone could have done (especially himself ) to have prevented it. The uncertainty and no real answer will be with him a long time. Let them talk, cry, remember and share. A candlelight memorial at the ball field broke everyone's heart but it also brought us all together. I hope your community supports the students,teachers and parents to navigate this sad, tragic and emotional time. Grief counselling did help my son and I am grateful. Can't say he has ever been the same since but I think the experience made him more aware of others suffering and able to talk about his own.
Oh Molly, that's so tragic. I understand. We lost a beloved 15 year old nephew in July. The first step in our healing was that the local kids themselves organized their own memorial in the park and started a memorial Facebook page. Talking, hugs, crying...it helped me so much to connect and comfort others as well as to grieve myself . You are there for your kids and that is so important.
I am so sorry, Molly. Our community lost a child in a very tragic and sudden incident last year. Every morning I watch the mother of the little girl drop her other kids off at school and my heart breaks into a million little pieces for what she is enduring. My children ask me questions about her death often. The girl was friendly with my children, particularly one of them. It is so hard to grapple with and impossible to answer questions when you can hardly comprehend it.
Molly, what terrible news. It's hard to teach our kids about mortality, isn't it? One of Kai's friends from school died of a brain tumor last year at age 9. It hit me hard, and it hit him hard, too.
Jesus tapdancing christ, I'm pretty much at my limit for this week. Nothing has gone according to the plan I had in my head. I feel like I have no control at all, and it's all just little shit in the grand scheme of things, but it's getting to me. I had dinner cooking in the crock pot today, planned on coming home and having some tasty beef burritos. I get home late after I have to play co-pilot for the new bus driver who got lost on the route, to find that my FIL and Grand-FIL want to take us out for dinner. During dinner, FIL asks if I can help install his new router. I guess....I guess I need my head examined for even uttering the word 'yes', because I spent most of the evening on the phone with his internet provider, trying to get the damned thing to work, only to find out that it was their modem that was bad, not his router. I didn't get home until after 10PM and I'm sure he'll be calling me at work tomorrow to give me the ENTIRE story about what happened. I feel guilty, because I like helping people, and I know he doesn't know the technical stuff, but holy cats, my patience is worn ragged tonight.
I need to go to bed, maybe that will make it all better...
Molly, that is just wrenching. Children dying is just unacceptable. Universe, you must fix this immediately. It's 10 years since a friend's daughter drowned, and it just.doesn't.stop. The pain is too much. It is truly a miracle when anyone can keep going after this kind of trauma.
I'm reading faithfully here, but not commenting much lately. I've been hit hard by the bumpy bits of mid-life/menopause, and just treading water. Whenever I can, I send you all good vibes.
Molly, so sorry, may they keep talking and getting it out. So rough. Cardinal, hugs to you. Kelley, if you find the magic switch for saying NO will you share it? Sounds mega frustrating, maybe a cocktail before bed??
News here a hallelujah we have a place to move to in 2 weeks! Nothing like cutting it close ... but the perfect spot was found and I couldn't be happier ... tiny house on a river with loads of wildlife and space to roam. Just hoping I don't go stir crazy after years of NYC, with my husband commuting back in 2-3 weeks a month and leaving me in the woods with the kids. Time to slow down a bit. The only rant is that the old Jeep we bought, first car in 9 years, turned out to be a lemon but no lemon laws will help. Taking more than we paid for it to fix it, sucks but at least it's fixable and I'll be glad when it's done and the move is over. I hate being duped though.
Molly, what a rough time for your children. I've been out celebrating a neighbor friend's birthday, and letters seem to be having a hard time coming out right. Nonethehless. (Nonetheless?) I grew up in a 'hood with many deaths, of parents and children. Suicide was a viable option - of course, because at my young age, many took it. I almost took it. With few years lived, it is experience that we consider once exposed. Fortunately, I was unsuccessful, or stopped. I would suggest finding a counselor who has dealt with such an unusual (for our society) multiple occurrences. It took a friend standing up for me when I was 19 to snap that belief. I remember the sensation; my body actually shook when she did it and suicide no longer made sense. The night sky brightened. I don't know, but I tend to think we forget the impact of events over a shorter life than we have lived. Even if I am incorrect, there are still children (a teenager is a child to me) who need someone to guide them to a longer view. My mom, just a few years - two, before she died - finally dealt with the drowning death of her older brother when she was six. That event poisoned her family forever. It still poisons her older siblings, who are 87 and 92. It poisons my family, and all offspring. Get help. Now. For your children, and then for the rest, if you can. Death is no longer a natural event in our society, though it will never stop. We need to learn how to accept it, and move past. May you and your children and their friends and family find the path forward.
My mother has spiraled into the depths of mental illness and I feel that she may not ever come out of it. She suffers from severe bipolar disorder and developed horrible side-effects after taking the medication for 20+ years. So, now she is unmedicated and taking the medication isn't much of an option.
I am receiving manic phone calls daily. They range from crazy, hateful, vitriolic, diatribes about politics to extreme high's shouted into the phone about what she is experiencing in her life. Sadly, the "highs" are all about how she feels....how she feels about my brothers unemployment and not how my brother feels.
She has no intention of getting help anymore or taking medication. In her mind, she is fine. I have explained my anger and frustration to my father. His basic response is that she is who she is. Unfortunately, there is some truth to this. Understand that this is not apathy and not dealing with her situation. We've been doing that for 20 years. At best, she barely functions on medication (which is now no longer an option). It's the fundamental reality of the situation.
I wish she'd stop calling me 4 times a day with such hateful opinions and paranoia. I only answer every other day or so. There's so much that I wish...that she could enjoy her retirement, husband, grandchildren, children, and life in general.
Since that will never happen, I sadly wish that she would pass away. That's a hard thing to type. I love her so much but she is a shell of a person. I want so much for my Dad to be able to enjoy the remainder of his life. He should be able to spend time with his grandchildren, travel, live happily in piece without taking constant care of someone so lost. He loves her so much and I don't know that he could be happy without her. But, he deserves so much more.
It's hard to have someone in your life that is called "mother" but does not act or function in that capacity at all. Nor has she for a very long time. However, we are all supposed to pretend that she does.
Molly and Elizabeth, my deepest sympathy for you and your families. Grief is hard, be it for actual loss of life or loss of the life that could have been.
After vacillating for the entire two weeks yesterday I reached a decision about the funeral and managed to convince my brother (he has a tendency to keep to the cliff edge of duty, responsibility and 'doing the right thing') that 6+ hours in a car facing hideous Friday motorway traffic was not viable against the hour's funeral Mass.
So instead we are hanging out at home, the boys hv made waffles, played indoor basketball, chess and are now playing card game. This afternoon we are heading out to Old Wardour Castle ( http://www.english-heritage.org.uk/daysout/properties/old-wardour-castle/ ) This watching the boys be together eases my guilt a little. Thanks for all yr input Derfs.
I am very sorry to those here with difficulties, wow, my life is so trivial here at the Good Ship Lollypop! Best wishes to all and hugs to those who need it!
I confess that the bright purple house we bought 7 years ago is being painted this week. It was a great and exciting color scheme, but it was the last owner's color scheme, and I have been ready for OUR color scheme for awhile, spring green, cream and blue. It is like moving to a wonderful new house, but we don't have to go anywhere! The attention you get for having a bright purple house wears thin, the friendly jokes, the assumptions about what it means for your personality. I wanted a harmonious and tasteful house and that is what we are getting, and of COURSE I am blogging each stage.... http://garysthirdpotteryblog.blogspot.com/
Girls, life sometimes hands you such hard events it just breaks your heart.
I will keep mine this week and instead send you all thoughts of healing- hugs to all.
Hold tight to your love ones.
I am down with bronchitis, sinusitis and ear infection. The Trifecta of feeling like crap :)
However, good meds will help, and my lovely NP even got me an inhaler. I haven't had to use one in YEARS but it was all I could wish for the other night when breathing was not.fun.
Good Vibes out to all....
My confession is I've been asked to take on a committee head position at church, and I don't know what to answer. I'm waiting to hear from the current chair as to what it involves, but also thinking I'd then have to deal with our director of Christian Ed, with whom I do not play well. just not sure, and trying to keep an open mind....
Molly, my thoughts are with you and your children. I hope you make it through this stronger than before.
Elizabeth, that is a tragedy. There is no shame in confessing either, I would think that's normal under the circumstances.
Boy this is a week of death isn't it? My great-aunt passed Tuesday morning. Her and my uncle lived out in the middle of nowhere Kansas and she had Alzheimers. I'm not even sure for how long because I get the feeling he dealt with it for awhile before letting anyone know. I was worried about him dealing with that by himself. Anyway, she went into the hospital because she'd quit eating for two weeks. The day before she died she had more energy and ate more than she had in weeks. This is normal for people who are about to die, but it sure makes it difficult for the family. I can't get home for the funeral, which also stinks. I'm sad she's gone because she was lovely (albeit a little strange, but who isn't?), and I think my uncle might be lonely. But I'm also glad he doesn't have to deal on his own.
Molly and Elizabeth, you are in my thoughts. Such tough experiences for your families.
I have been sitting on this for weeks, typing it out but never hitting post. This is purely selfish, no need to take any notice. There have been comments in several of Mrs G's well-written posts regarding appearance, how we feel about ourselves as our bodies change, and our mate's reaction. Several have said their husbands tell them they're beautiful, sexy, desirable. It was our anniversary this week, more than half my life has been spent married to this same man. He told me I looked beautiful on our wedding day, and that was it. He's a good man, but his upbringing in an affection-less household shows.
I feel cheated. I'm not delusional and I own a mirror, I know I'm not beautiful but I'm not heinous, either. I would have appreciated the odd lie or two over the years. And yes, I have tried to set the example but after twenty years I gave up. There are limits.
Thanks for giving me a safe place to dump this, Mrs G.
As always, my very best wishes to the Derfs. I think you're a terrific bunch.
Elizabeth, I frequently with that my mother with Alzheimer's would just die. It is a hard thing to say and feel. I understand. xo Shelly
Elizabeth... my mom has dealt with bi-polar disorder for years as well. Right now, she's in an upswing, but I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Its a rough thing to deal with but I have an small idea of what you're going through. I feel the same way from time to time. Its a very hard thing to face, but I feel that it will make it easier for you to deal with having faced that feeling within yourself. If you ever want to chat, or yell, or just get some stuff out; please let me know and I'll message you my email.....
My confession: We had to cancel two shows here because and actress fell and hurt her foot. Luckily its not broken, just sprained. And I'm slightly happy I get two evenings free to clean and food shop......
@Gary -- We had our house painted bright yellow in July and are just finishing the main floor of the interior. It is like getting a new house!!!! I smile every time I pull in the driveway
Elizabeth, I, too, sometimes wished my mother would die. She seemed so miserable (untreated depression, probably alcoholism thrown in on top) and just plain mean to so many people, including her family. About 6 months before she passed, her doctor put her on anti-depressants, and it was like I had my real mom back. Unfortunately, she had some side effects and was taken off the meds without trying any others. For that reason I despise that doctor. Far better that she had died a few months earlier with some of the family fences mended than live longer and piss everyone off more.
So currently I seem to be following in mom's footsteps. Untreated depression leading to extreme apathy leading to a potential for financial disaster. It's interesting to watch. A little disconcerting to watch so disinterestedly, given it's MY life, but still....
I couldn't make it very far in reading what is already here this morning. The hormones are kicking my ass big time this month and I can't keep the tears at bay. Not good to be sitting at work crying like a baby! I'll go back and read when I've got more control (or privacy).
Seems lately, I will have something happen that makes me want to come here and vent. But I either figure it's too early in the week or that I'll save it for Friday. By the time Friday is here, whatever had me going has calmed down and not seemed like a big deal. Especially in light of what everybody else is going thru. Know that even though I haven't been commenting much, my heart goes out to all my fellow derfs when you're hurting and am thrilled to hear about the successes.
I do have an issue that I need some positive thoughts / prayers sent my way for. My Mom has decided to have gastric bypass surgery. She just turned 66 last month. I know I'm not a psychiatrist but even I know that she has some MAJOR issues with food/depression/impulses/her past/you name it. Once she decided to do the surgery, she is living/eating like there's no tomorrow; she'll change her habits when she "has" to. I'm so worried about the whole thing and am finding it hard to be any kind of positive support for her. She also has a way of making me feel guilty about shit. Just in the way she asks for something, the tone and way it's asked has a guilt inducing quality, like she already knows the answer is no. I know the person that has to change in all this is me and my attitude but I'm finding it difficult. And the fact that my fucking hormones have me an emotional wreck and unable to keep this shit under control is pissing me off. But you couldn't tell that could you?
AND, I am this close to staying off FB and the computer in general (except maybe Pinterest) because I am sick to death of both sides of this election. Damn near every post is so far left or so far right that I just can’t stand it. I know we need to be informed but posting all this shit slamming the other side is so counter-productive and bullshit. Anybody can say anything they want (because this is ‘merica, Thank God) or twist what is said to suit their thinking. And just because one dumb ass repub or dem says something absolutely asinine does not mean the whole party thinks that way. Cuz guess what. The politicians all say what they think their followers want to hear. I’m concerned about the state of things no matter who ends up in office.
Okay, off my soap box now. I’ll continue on down the middle of my road and try to get some kind of calmness happening here. Maybe find a spot somewhere at lunch and try to grab some quiet time! Hugs to you all.
I am one day into a four-day marathon at work, and I mean an active, potentially stressful work situation. My venue is hosting four concerts in four consecutive days. It is all very highly charged, loud, fast-paced, and involves a lot of walking around.
Last night was the first. It was a "mellow" band, and yet there were three incidents that brought law enforcement/EMT response
1) just some poor dumb 21 year old kid who got so drunk so early in the evening he passed out on the front lawn before the concert even started. How pathetic is that, to get so wasted you don't even make it past the ticket taker? We had to call his family, then park him with the medics to lie down - of course he vomited and we had to clean it up.
2) a couple that were just mean, nasty people, in the middle of the crowd, punching and kicking people around them. They punched the Security supervisor, and the woman punched the female Security person in the eye. They were arrested and handcuffed, but the woman was such a b*tch she kicked the door of the police car and caught an officer's hand in the door. Nice way to spend an evening out with your boyfriend, honey, being charged with resisting arrest and assault.
3) Last encore of the night, the drummer threw his sticks into the crowd and everyone leaped to catch them - unfortunately one poor girl got clocked in the head by someone's elbow, down she went and hit her head again on the concrete floor. EMTs responded, and there she lay on the ground among the crumpled beer cups, while they EKG'd her. Once conscious, she declined further medical treatment, and went home with her two girlfriends. The grandfatherly EMT gave her friends instructions to monitor her health, I hope they took him seriously.
So now three more shows, of a genre that's more of a security risk, with more cops and more EMTs, and because we had three events last night, I'm sure they'll cowboy it more than necessary.
And my legs are just aching this morning from all the walking. I'm gobbling ibuprofen like good-and-plenty, and I've got three more nights to go. I love this business and I'm good at it, but I'm tired and in pain.
I am tired.
Much love to everyone here. Sounds like we could all use a collective break.
So, how about this little tidbit from today's paper...Holy Triple Mancake! There is a private fundraiser for President Obama here in Tampa next week. EDDIE VEDDER is going to be there and Tyler Florence is making the food. Oh....my....god. (faints)
Claudia, take time off to go and TAKE PICTURES!
So sad, reading the comments today... Molly, Elizabeth... wishing I could hug you both, and others who are hurting, too. I'm sorry to say I have personal understanding when it comes to difficult mothers.
Trash, I truly believe you made the right decision.
Aunt Snow, such a display of poor choices by a few sure spoil what should be a fun event. Hang in there. (But no more than 800mg ibuprofen every 8 hours, okay?)
I had to "unfriend" someone this week on fb. It wasn't just her postings, it was her heartless comments, delivered with a laugh, that made me realize that I had no desire to communicate with her or see her again. It's sad because 22 years ago, we enjoyed each other's company. Times change and so do people. *sigh*
In general, I'm just tired of rhetoric, common everyday goings-on, and need a break!
I am emotionally exhausted, in physical pain, and am having a hard time keeping it together. On top of that, I am co-coordinating a fund raiser that has spiraled out of control, and appears doomed for failure. My feeling is that when it is all over I m going into hiding. Right now I hate the world.
I'm going to have to blog about this, because it seems that I've changed dramatically in the last year or two. I am slowly peeling off people, things, activities, and thoughts -- even NEEDS that I once had -- that are negative. Just ... letting them go.
I am absofarkingly IN LOVE with massage school. I love all the science (we're doing chemistry, biology, anatomy, pathology), the psychology, the mind-body connection, the meditation, the hands-on stuff... And one of the BEST things is that I finally have a REASON to be all weird and "woo-woo" and sensitive. I mean, I've been weird all my life. Now I just have a good reason.
I'm avoiding people (even, or especially family) who are bad for me. I'm trying to make my home nice and pretty and simple. I'm trying to stop and just look at things, think about things, let my mind do what it's going to do, instead of FORCING myself to do the 'hard' things.
Yes, there is crap. My music studio is not making as much money right now because I'm not as aggressive about recruitment. Yes, I'm still overweight, but not as much.
But all in all? Nice.
I had a revelation today. I have been telling myself that feeling anxious and distracted is totally expected in a divorce. And then I suddenly thought, 'Wait a minute! I'm not actually THAT stressed out!' Yes, I have moments of heart-banging anxiety about the kids or money or what he stole or that he hacked into my laptop or the lies... but actually, I have had much worse stress and HORRIBLE anxiety attacks while trying to stay married, wondering where he was or which way his mood was swinging or when he might come home or whether he might have another drunk-driving accident and write another car off. Divorce beats marriage hands-down.
Hugs to Elizabeth, Mollie and good vibes to all.
I'm impressed by the honesty shown here. And how supportive everyone is. You don't find that just anywhere. My grandmother had Alzheimer's for 14 years and shriveled away to just a shadow of herself. It just devastated my mom but more than anything she dreads getting it herself. She's always been a little goofy - how will we know if she really has it? At least we can joke about it now.
I've been a faithful reader for quite a while, but haven't confessed on Friday night before. So tonight, I will. We have two children that are pretty great, just getting in trouble enough to make us keep an eye on them, but overall really good kids. Our daughter is incredibly bright - she will be a valedictorian this year and has tested very well on the SAT and ACT. She wants to be a physicist. She is driven, motivated and waaayyy smarter than I. She wants to attend MIT or CalTech, or an Ivy League school. Absolutely no interest in a state school. She even said she would rather not go to college if she had to go to in-state. The issue is that we earn too much to get financial aid and not enough to write a check, carte blanche. We were able to travel this summer to visit nine (9!) colleges to see where she would "fit" well. She narrowed down, eliminated, and picked her top choices so the visits were definitely worth it. But we can't afford to send her with no help. These schools don't have merit scholarships - because everyone who goes to MIT or CalTech is exceptionally bright (and yes, we've asked). For such a smart girl, she doesn't grasp how worried we are about this. We explained budgets, finances, doing without for years so that we could live better now, saving for college but having two children to share that savings, etc. All to no avail. She takes the stance that we don't want to pay for her to go to school, rather than we can't... So, derfs, is it worth it to send her to a top-notch school? Will it be worth the sacrifice for us and the loans she'll have to take on later? I would love to hear some of your thoughts.
I spent so much time typing about my daughter that I didn't even get into my confession.... sigh
Tina, sit her down with the FSA form. Show her student loan sites, explain that this debt will be HERS. Tell her how much you CAN spend, show her the difference and then say "How do you want to get from point A to point B"?
The colleges themselves may not offer scholarships, but there are A LOT of scholarships out there that she can apply to try to get. Look online, aske your guidance office, and have her apply for everything.
Tina, I remember having the same conversation with my parents when I went to college. I thought they were just too selfish to help me pay for college, ha! Is there any way you can show her the actual accounts? Show her how far the savings will go when you split it for the two of them?
She also needs to know there is nothing wrong with state school. What state are you in? Many who are in grad. school at those top-notch ivy league schools did undergrad in state school. And it's quite possible that she will change her mind by the time she's old to go to grad. school, which I assumed she'd need in order to become a physicist.
Finally, take it from someone who is in debt hell right now, I wish to god I had been smart enough to take out fewer loans in my undergrad. I'm also having to take out loans for my grad. school. Will it be worth it? Boy I hope so because I have to work for the next 30 years nonstop in order to pay it off. That means if I want to have another baby staying home WILL NOT be an option. If, god forbid, my husband leaves me and I drop down to a one income household I am SCREWED. These are things to think about.
If she insists on going to a top notch school I would give her what you have saved for her, and tell her to get a work-study position. AmeriCorps is also AWESOME and a great resume builder for people in any field. They pay you to volunteer (not a lot, but some) then once you've done so many hours you get an education voucher. I did one year with them, 32 hours per week and got 5k for education. And Tina, please don't even think of running down your personal savings or retirement fund for this. This is your daughter's future, and you need to keep yours in line. That's not selfish, that's going to help her and your son in the long run when you don't have to depend on them as much for financial help in your old age.
Honestly, I'd be willing to have this conversation with her myself. Email me at jessicaab87@gmail.com and we can chat that way. I remember very clearly feeling the way you describe her feeling, and now wishing I had spent 2 years at community college then getting my BA for way less.
Tina: EVERYTHING THAT JESSIE AND NAVHELOWIFE SAID. Seriously.
Chances are, with her brains and aspirations for undergrad, she will want to go to graduate school. So the debt is going to keep piling up. I work at a niche grad school with a prestigious, selective program and we accept many students from state schools and I know this to be true from my peers at larger more well-known graduate schools that are attached to prestigious universities. Going to a state school isn't a problem, just like going to a normal high school isn't a problem. It's what you *do* while you're at the school that makes you stand out. She can get an excellent education where she could be a standout student at a state school, and save the loans to be very selective about a prestigious, rigorous graduate education.
In addition to scholarships, grants, Americorps - there is also Vista (similar to Americorps, I don't know the details). And fellowships, which are like scholarships except that they require the student to work doing research or other academic work. She may need to cobble together a few different things to make it all work, but it's definitely possible.
And - in the end, you are the parent. If you believe not incurring tens of thousands (possibly hundreds of thousands) in debt for undergrad will benefit her more than undergrad at a specific elite school, don't give her the money. There are SO many things that happen to change even the most driven minds, so many life experiences that can change circumstances, and I'd hate to see you put such long-saved money toward something that might not make that much of a difference in the long run. As smart as she must be, she isn't mature yet, not completely, and not if she is making these demands without taking the responsibility on herself to make it happen. Maybe I'm being a hardass, but I say - if she's set on these schools, then let her get accepted and let her figure out how to pay for them. If she can't make it work, then there is lesson one of How Life Works.
Higher Ed is having its own bubble right now, similar to the housing market, and we NEED students. State grad programs, niche schools like mine, privates - they are all dealing with lower enrollments because for the first time in American history, a recession doesn't automatically mean people will go back to school. Why? Because they have less money to do so, the regulatory and federal lending environments have changed and not only is it harder to get loans, the terms aren't as pleasant. For example, graduate students used to be able to defer interest on their subsidized loans until graduation. As of July this year, they begin incurring that interest from day 1 of their loan. It doesn't have to be paid back until graduation, but that's 2-5 more year of interest accumulating. There are no longer any federally subsidized graduate loans - that is now completely gone.
Most students in doctoral programs at my school walk away with a great degree, a top-notch education and training . . . and $100-200K in debt, depending on how much they took out for living expenses. And that's just their graduate school debt.
And - one more hardass comment, Tina. If she's saying she'd rather not go to school at all than go anyplace than her selected schools, that is a huge red flag to me. I think you're going to need to make the mature decision for her at this point and let her do some maturing along the way. That sort of decision-making will not fly in elite undergrad OR graduate school. She will get chewed up and spit out - a very costly lesson.
I apologize if I've crossed boundaries with these comments. I'm in kind of an education triangle right now - I didn't finish undergrad the first time around and am struggling to finish it now . . . I work in higher ed and see the complexities of it . . . I have very little - actually nothing, right now, to offer my own children, who will be college age in 6 years. Over and over it is drilled into me that taking on massive amounts of debt or bankrupting your family for an education is not the way to go. I am going to have to get very creative to finance my three kids' educations - they'll go to community colleges, state schools, they'll work, they'll get loans, grants and hopefully scholarships and fellowships. It will last 4-9 years (depending how far they go) and then it will be over. What will they have to show? Hopefully an education they truly value because they worked very hard for it, and not just academically. Hopefully, not debt that cripples them and forces them into work they don't want because it pays enough to cover living AND their school loans.
Molly/Elizabeth - wow...and know that you are loved greatly. How in the hell do you keep going? The only way I can figure is just keep going, and come here often. My heart goes out to you both.
I'm too tired to type a confession....but it entails a wish to ass woop (is that a word?) my 17 year old granddaughter for being an inconsiderate, selfish, partying, snot. She puts on such an angelic "face" - but we are finding out the "other side"...and in the midst of that? She hurt my daughter (her aunt) who has only been there for her. Oh...and while I'm at it? I'd like to plant my foot on said grandaughter's mother's arse. She raised her...
Ok, enough...off to bed. Hugs to you all....
Wow, Tina, what a dilemma. Can you talk to your daughter about perhaps going to a state school for the first 2 years, then transferring to a top notch school in junior year? Because 1) no one cares where you went as a freshman, it's where you got the degree that matters, and 2) it's a helluva lot easier to get accepted in a top-notch school as a transfer student than as a freshman.
Just my 2 cents - my kid did NOT follow this advice. We're paying his college loan for undergrad; he's paying his for his masters.
I am home now, after the second night in a four-night run. It's 1:45 am, I well remember earlier in my career being up like this at this hour. I've had a glass of wine - or two. My knees ache. I'm still buzzing.
We had enough Police and Fire personnel to staff a small town, plus medical, plus everything. The cops spent their time with the leadership in the Command Post, watching TV on their special monitors. No, I don't meant they watched surveillance video. I mean they were watching TV. The uniformed officers deployed to patrol the crowd spent their time - I kid you not - using their high-powered flashlights to scan the audience and pick out pretty, scantily clad girls.
This "rave" which our public safety officials were deeply concerned over, the in-house medical team treated the following patients:
1) They dispensed a bandaid to someone who requested it.
2) A guy had his foot stepped on and they iced it for him
3) Another guy stuck his earplug too far up his ear and they had to extract it for him.
Oh, and a guy the security search didn't let into the venue, because he violated their search protocol, OD'd on GHB on the public sidewalk outside the venue, so the security staff alerted the city's EMTs, who treated and transported him to the hospital. So there's that justification for the I-swear-to-god 50+ emergency personnel spending their time playing grab-ass, eating chicken wings, and watching TV behind the stage.
Hope that other guy got his earplug out of his ear.
I'm disgusted. 3500 people had a good time, one guy got stupid, and the promoter paid $75,000 for a bunch of officers to sit on their butts.
Oh, and the insult to injury? One of the officers wanted to know if the artists/crew catering set up was to feed them. When told no, he sneered, "Jeez. Thanks for the appreciation." No, pally. The appreciation will be in your paycheck, which you earned for performing the public service of shining your flashlight on young girls' tits.
I normally like and get along well with cops and firefighters, But these guys were overreaching.
My confession seems pretty small compared to everyone else here, but I decided to post anyway because sometimes writing things down makes me feel better. So I apologize to everyone here with serious problems.
Our friends of 15 years seem to be pulling away from us. Once we spent two or three days a week together. We had similar interests and my hubs and the guy friend had a great relationship. We've spent the past two years helping them get their old house ready to sell (major repairs, painting and cleaning), helping them move, planting 15 trees this spring, putting in gardens, working on finishing the basement, and finishing a huge shop. We did all this gladly and at their request. They used to live 5 miles from us and now the live 30, but we did all this and asked for nothing in return. We have travelled a lot with them, spending weeks together with no major problems. We have always felt like family to one another. In the past two months things have changed. The only time we have gotten together is if we made the effort. When we do get together the man is pretty cool toward my husband. We cancelled on a trip two weeks ago because of rain in INDY (this was an outdoor event) because we could get our hotel and tickets refunded. They went on ahead with the trip, but thiey were upset that we weren't going. This was the first time we ever cancelled on them. This weekend the guy (whose a real passive aggressive type) got upset with my husband about an outing they were doing together. My husband apologized for making him angry, the guy said he wasn't angry, he just decided not to go! My husband went anyway. My husband says the guy will get over it, but it really pissed me off. Anyway, I'm sad. I miss the fun we used to have and I'm at a loss as to what to do.
Quite frankly, being together as couples just isn't fun any more. There's this tension between us that I never felt before. Last week I asked my friend if everything was okay, and she said yes. But didn't ask why I asked. She quickly changed the subject.
This is long and I'm sorry, but I do feel better.
Tina- Ask if your state's school has an honors program. My daughter's U has an honors program that includes special classes and housing. I work at an Ivy, and they have several full ride scholarships for students transferring from community college. I can understand that she feels like she has worked hard, but there is a reality to the situation. FAFSA said that I could pay $18,000. I laughed. I made less than $60,000 per year and my husband has hundreds of dollars in medical bills a month and is unemployed. I t was a wake-up call for my daughter. Luckily, the public university she attends gave her enough financial aid to cover tuition and housing. Insist that your daughter
has one "financial" back-up. And if she makes good on her threat to not go at all, it might give her a year to put things in perspective. Unfortunately, it will also screw her over for financial aid and will hurt you on taxes if she works full time. Tough lessons!
Tina, my son is a freshman physics major at Purdue (a state university) this year.
He decided on Purdue for two reasons:
1) It is close enough to our house that he can live at home
2) He plans to get a PhD in physics and understands that where you get your Masters and PhD are FAR more important to your future than where you get your BS.
Purdue awarded him a scholarship that will pay half of his tuition each year if he maintains a 3.0/4.0 GPA and a local institution awarded him $500/year. I should point out that his high school grades and SATs were good but not stellar, so scholarships are very possible for a wide range of student achievement, especially at state schools. We were told that the quality of his admissions essay was what won him that scholarship over similarly qualified students, so spend some time on that essay! When he was younger and we had more available income, we managed to put some money in an educational savings account for him. Over the years, it grew enough so that it should nearly cover the other half of his tuition for four years. We do not qualify for any financial aid other than loans. If he maintains his GPA, he should be able to complete his BS debt-free, assuming he continues to work part time to cover the cost of books and incidentals. He knows he will incur some debt with his Master's and PhD because he will likely move to another state for those degrees. He also knows that if his GPA falls and his scholarship is cancelled, he will be getting the students loans, not us.
He was all excited about going to a big name college a couple of years ago. We sat down with him and showed him what we make each month and detailed all our expenses. It was a huge eye opener for him. We told him that we would not be able to take out loans for his education because at our age we could not afford any other long-term debt except our mortgage since we would still be paying it off in our retirement. He knows that what we have saved is all we can spend on his education; any cost beyond that are his responsibility. We hear so much from our friends who work at Purdue that many students have an attitude of entitlement. We want to make sure he feels like his degree is one he earned on several levels.
Additionally, his youth group worked through a video curriculum by Dave Ramsey http://www.daveramsey.com/school/home/ that really had a big impact on his thinking. Ramsey has both a Christian based and a secular teen curriculum. Ramsey really drives home the point that debt controls your life and your freedom of choice. Since my son, at 18, is all about his freedom, anything that might curtail it has meaning for him.
I also saw a huge red flag in her statement, "She even said she would rather not go to college if she had to go to in-state." If she is really interested in being a physicist, she knows she doesn't have a choice about going to college, which tells me she's attempting to manipulate you. Stay the parenting course here and please don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Purdue made a HUGE point during their parent/student orientation meetings that college students are legally adults, which means parents have no access to grades, disciplinary actions, medical issues, payments, etc. unless the student shares them with their parents. In college, she'll be treated as an adult in all matters. Encouraging her to act as an adult in applying for colleges is good practice. Sure, maturity is a process, but one step towards that is accepting financial reality and doing the best with what you have.
I should mention that she probably won't be happy about it if you stand your ground and that her behavior will likely reflect her unhappiness until she realizes you aren't going to change your minds. We had a rocky few months around here while my son was coming to terms with the fact that we weren't able to buy him a car (he had an at-fault accident last summer that resulted in two cars being totaled. No one was hurt, thankfully.) The resulting financial hit we took in auto insurance payments means that there is no way we can afford another car or a further increase in insurance. Very natural consequences. He was awful to live with while he wrestled with this reality, but eventually figured out that riding the bus is free for Purdue students. All is good now, especially since he's seen that many of the other students have jobs too.
Sorry to go on and on....
Another thought Tina, your daughter is lucky you could save up for school at all. My parents never made enough money to save for me. I was basically on my own for college. My parents agreed to pay for books (which cost about $200/semester off of amazon). I worked two to three jobs AT A TIME to afford bills, and only took out loans for tuition. I was lucky enough to have a great-uncle who had saved for family member's college. So I got $500/semester for the first year, $1,000/semester the second year, $1,500/semester the last two years. So $9,000 in all. Yes, I STILL had $17,000 in debt after all that work. I am now going to grad. school at University of Michigan. They don't care where I did my undergrad. They do care however that I was smart enough to get a wide variety of experience in jobs and internships during my undergrad. I did two terms with AmeriCorps, did jobs and internships with newspapers all over the city, did customer service, and joined plenty of clubs. I was busy as HECK but it was WORTH it because now I'm attending the #1 program in my area in the country as a grad. student. I know it feels to her like this is her CHANCE to make it, but sadly undergrad is just prolonged high school in our country now. If she wants to get her PhD eventually she needs to get paid to go to undergrad, then use the time she doesn't have to work to explore as many career/internship/volunteer opportunities as possible. From the bottom of my heart, this will help her more than what school she attends.
Oh god, here I am a few hours later and I confess, I really shouldn't have written the above comment. I am so sorry Tina, it's really snotty. My other confession? I had 4 hard apple ciders this afternoon before I wrote it. Sorry sorry! If I could I would delete it!
Jessie, I let you apologize to Tina if you wish, but I didn't find your post snotty. You can be proud of your achievements and it's good sometimes to read from people who made it through adversity in the REAL world, and not in an IDEAL world.
It's really nice of your great-uncle to have helped you. I guess if you show the world that you want to achieve something and start it by yourself with all your energy, good things are bound to happen. Have a nice w-e.
Jessie, I second Veronique's comment. Heartfelt and a wee bit dronk? Yes. Snotty? no.
Our kids know that since their dad is a professor at MSU and I am an adjunct at the local community college, their undergrad choices are pretty much THOSE TWO SCHOOLS, unless they themselves plan on paying for college.
Our part (since musicians and teachers don't make a lot of $$ to save for kids' college) of their education will be to provide room and board for undergrad (they can live at home -- tragedy, I know), and the benefit of 50% tuition waiver for MSU, or slightly more off for the comm. college.
They will have to get scholarships or grants to pay the rest, and will have to get jobs to pay for books and other fees. That's simply the best we can do. I stow a little (like a couple hundred dollars a year) into individual savings accts. for them towards helping them travel if they want to do some kind of exchange program, but that's it.
Luckily, our local options for school are excellent, and with SIX college degrees plus various post-graduate certificates between my husband and I, we know that getting a "name-brand" education for undergrad is not nearly as important as it is in grad school. It's REALLY REALLY TRUE.
Molly and Elizabeth - hugs to both of you!
Tina - thanks for the timely post - and for the wisdom from all of your responders! My children are 15 and 12 and this is looming large. I've copied and pasted into Notes the whole thread for further review. Thanks!
It's been a sad/strange week. A firebrand (hussy!) neighbor has ALS. I'm trying to figure out how to support her and her family.
Another dear friend announced via Facebook that she has RA. It's treatable, but so hard for someone who loves to sing and play the guitar.
I too have had a bit of news that has me processing like crazy. I found out this week that I am positive with the same strain of HPV that was responsible for my husband's oral cancer. This news is no guarantee that I will also get cancer, but it does mean I need to be checked out and then screened aggressively for oral and cervical cancer. (I'll just add that to my annual mammogram and skin exam?)
HPV-16 is also implicated in increased risk of cardiovascular disease in women and in several other types of cancer (lung, GI).
Trying not to obsess, but it ticks me off that the oncologists at the "Number 1 Cancer Center in the World" didn't mention any of this to me. It's a new area of oncology - but it was up to me to connect all these dots and ask to get the HPV test.
I'm grateful I now know I am at risk and can proactively screen for any trouble. I can make adjustments to my diet and lifestyle but there are a lot of unanswered questions and it feels very heavy right now.
Please vaccinate your children! The science has only evolved enough that we have ways to prevent infection - not treat active infection.
Whoo! Enough of the heavy - I'm gonna go look at Gary's home improvements!
xoxo
Great advice for Tina! Please don't let your daughter manipulate you into spending money you do not have. Empathize with her disappointment, show her how much you can afford to spend, and explain that she alone is responsible for the difference if she chooses to go to a very expensive school. I remember explaining to our oldest that we would be GLAD to raid our retirement fund for his college education, so long as he didn't mind our living with him when we get old and need diapers changed, etc. He quickly found money elsewhere.
We have talked with our oldest about this as well. That taking on massive debt for undergrad work is foolish, really, in the long run. South Carolina has some good scholarships available, plus he'll be applying for every scholarship we can think of. We'd love for him to go to the same college we did (he'd be the third generation) but the cost for an out of state student with good, but not stellar grades, is out of reach. Luckily, he has found some state schools he'd be happy to attend. There are some private schools we'd love for him to go to,but again, they are out of our budget.
This is probably way too much info for this lovely blog but it is Confessional. If not here then where?
I have genital herpes.
I am not promiscuous, I got them from someone I was intending to marry who did not know they were infected (it is possible....early infection and dormancy can lead to lack of awareness overall), and I am now still single in my early forties because the engagement didn't work out.
I read blogs and gossip sits that castigate people like Paris Hilton for carrying the STD, referring to the need for Valtrex and "double-gloving" when sleeping with "sluts" like her who have it and I am horrified by the callousness and broad brushstrokes.
I didn't ask for this. I did nothing to "deserve" it. It is no different than cold sores...which my 5 year old cousin frequently sports.... except that it transmits sexually and is therefore adult and dirty "by nature." Yet I face a lifetime of solitude and disdain because of something that I can't control, that people won't talk about and that medical institutions don't consider worthy enough to focus on a cure.
So I guess I'm posting this here, tonight, in the hopes that maybe one person might see that something like this isn't cut and dried and be a little less judgmental in response. I can't talk to anyone about it...not my friends with babies who would be afraid I'd pass it with a touch...not my family who'd sanitize their dishware after I left...not anyone who might look at me as foolish, naive, trampy or easy because they don't know what really happened...and be a voice, albeit anonymously, for a little tolerance and understanding.
I'm in my early 40's, single, have slept with four men in my lifetime (always with condoms until I thought they weren't necessary), and am angry and tired of the responses to this situation.
You don't know heartbreak and humiliation until you have to tell a potential partner about something like this, knowing that there's a 92% chance they'll stop returning your calls the next day, even if they are perfect for you. And believe me, I would never NOT tell them beforehand.
It's just hard, and sometimes too much to carry on your own. Thank you Derfs for allowing the space to vent when it's most needed.
Oh AlsoAnonToday how heartbreaking to feel you are being denigrated in that way. STIs (as they are called in the UK, the I is for infection so straight away the term becomes much less perjorative). If my babies were still small I would welcome you to smother them with kisses and some squeezes and your dishes would be scrubbed no more than anyone else's. You have found yourself in a bad situation not of your own making and I really hope that venting here has helped you.
I am biased, as my wife and I went to the exact private colleges we wanted to with good scholarships and my wife currently works at Cornell. Both the wife and I went to grad school at state schools, and it is not a matter of which is better, I think, but how do I put this, without sounding, as jessie says it, snotty? SEND YOUR KID TO the absolute best college she wants to attend and gets into. Ivy league or MIT, make it happen. Cornell, for example, is a magical place, it really is, and your daughter would absolutely love it here or a place like it. Again, not sounding snotty I hope, but you go ivy league and doors open in your future, and while you are here it is a very special experience.