Wednesday
Dec112013

Leave It to a California Liberal to Try and Take the Cat Out of Christmas! 

Mrs. G. came home to this message on her Facebook page yesterday -- not that it matters, but she was out buying Bearpaw boots because her furnace gave up the ghost yesterday and her feet were cold. So let's set the scene: cold, hungry, sad to enter her tundra of a home and out of Diet Dr. Pepper...only to come home to this...

 

Aaryn Belfer posted to Heather Copeland Gattuccio

4 hours ago

Just got your holiday card. Was the misspelling of my name insult to injury, or the other way around? I'm sorry, Heather. I adore you. But I cannot put your cat card up with my other holiday cards. Yours is going in the bathroom, at the base of the toilet. Sort of like a litter box. Merry Christmas, you fabulous bitch

Like · 3

Heather Copeland Gattuccio Aaryn Belfer, you holiday whore. The spelling? Learn to love me despite it. I'm not kidding -- it is slipping a bit this last year. I hope it's just perimenopausal brain fog. All the same, next year you're getting a card with some Crocs on it. And FYI, I only sent cat cards to five people.

4 hours ago · Like · 2

Aaryn Belfer I am a Holiday Whore, capital "H", capital "W". I feel so honored to be one of only five pussy recipients. For this reason, I am going to tape that kitty face down on the inside of the toilet bowl.

3 hours ago · Like · 1

Heather Copeland Gattuccio I wish hadn't used one of my Liberty Bell Forever stamps on you. You don't deserve one.

3 hours ago · Like

Aaryn Belfer I hate America.

3 hours ago · Like

Heather Copeland Gattuccio Laffing so hard right now Erin.

3 hours ago · Edited · Like

Aaryn Belfer Good. Isn't that why you sent me the fucking feline in the first place? Don't pretend, Gattuccio.

3 hours ago · Like

Heather Copeland Gattuccio I plead the Fifth.

3 hours ago · Like

Heather Copeland Gattuccio Or the Third. I forget.

3 hours ago · Like

Aaryn Belfer It's definitely one of the single digit Amendments.

3 hours ago · Unlike · 1

Heather Copeland Gattuccio Best laugh of the day.

3 hours ago · Like · 2

Aaryn Belfer Meanwhile, I've spent the entire day (since 11:00 this morning) trying to make our Christmas cards and a calendar for Sam. Costco's site was so slow, I ended up spending double the money at Shutterfly, which wasn't all that much faster. And the creating the calendar? I have no hair left. I've pulled it all out and it's scattered around my desk and stuck in my keyboard. Just now, I got a little pop-up offer to chat with a Shutterfly specialist. I had to fill out a little form to tell them what I wanted to talk about. I wrote, "I just need to bitch." So far, no response.

3 hours ago · Like

Heather Copeland Gattuccio Cats wouldn't create this problem.

3 hours ago · Like · 1

Aaryn Belfer Yeah, no, they wouldn't. They would just scratch up the furniture, knock ornaments from the tree and make the house stink with their pee.

3 hours ago · Like · 1

Aaryn Belfer OH JOY.

3 hours ago · Like

Aaryn Belfer Why do cat lovers insist on torturing those of us who recognize their true value? Which is to say, less than ZERO.

3 hours ago · Like · 1

Heather Copeland Gattuccio I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree...because you are so difficult.

3 hours ago · Edited · Like · 2

Aaryn Belfer Yes. Fine. And you are a Summer's Eve, if you know what I'm sayin'.

3 hours ago · Like · 1

Heather Copeland Gattuccio I believe you're saying I'm fresh as a daisy, like a woman riding a horse on the beach in a white, gauzy dress. Probably with a cat riding sidesaddle.

37 minutes ago · Edited · Like · 3

Aaryn Belfer http://www.dumbdouches.com/wp.../uploads/2013/05/tampax1.jpg

3 hours ago · Like · 1

Aaryn Belfer Finally, before I take myself to the shower to wash away all this disgusting feline talk, this is for you: http://www.wired.com/.../canned-cranberry-sauce-flickr-mr...

3 hours ago · Like · 1

Mary  Best part of my day: reading your delusional conversation

3 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 7

Christy  And I just blew my beverage out my nose. Best. FB. Convo. Meow.

38 minutes ago · Unlike · 1

____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Yeah, people, a real slap in the face. Not to rehash trauma from the past, but Mrs. G. hasn't experienced this kind of pain since the time most of you voted she needed to dispose of her beloved Folk Art Siamese Cat Painting.

But that's water under the bridge and Mrs. G. will not ever has let it go.

Anyway, Mrs. G. finished her exchange with her "friend" and then had to take one Advil, two Trader Joes dark chocolate seasalt caramels and go to bed.

kittyb

She slept fitfully for an hour.

And then she woke up to this.

____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Aaryn Belfer posted to Heather Copeland Gattuccio

3 hours ago

To paraphrase Grover Norquist, I'd like to make all cats small enough to drown them in the toilet.          

 

Heather Copeland Gattuccio It's war.

about an hour ago · Like · 3

  • ·           

Scott 

 

about an hour ago · Unlike · 2

  • ·        

Heather Copeland Gattuccio I expect your full familial solidarity in this campaign against cat haters, Scott. If you don't like cats, just pretend you do.

about an hour ago · Like

  • ·        

Mollie That's one clean toilet!

about an hour ago via mobile · Like · 1

  • ·        

Heather Copeland Gattuccio Mollie, don't make me call you a turncoat.

about an hour ago · Like · 1

  • ·        

Scott I do not like the sound of this.....

  • ·        

 

56 minutes ago · Like

  • ·        

Mollie I converted to cats many years ago.

55 minutes ago via mobile · Unlike · 2

  • ·        

 

Heather Copeland Gattuccio I have dogs too. Don't go all Switzerland on me now, brother. I can tell your dog has integrity. Follow suit.

55 minutes ago · Like · 1

  • ·        

Scott I just never saw much sense in folks naming an animal that doesn't come when you call it.

50 minutes ago · Like · 1

  • ·        

Heather Copeland Gattuccio We're through.

50 minutes ago · Like

  • ·        

Heather Copeland Gattuccio I'm alone in the jungle.

49 minutes ago · Like · 2

  • ·        

Scott Plus Clio thinks animals that poop in your house are kind of barbaric and the epitome of being a BADDOG!

46 minutes ago · Unlike · 1

  • ·        

Jeanne Cats rule. Dogs poop in their crate.

36 minutes ago · Like

  • ·        

Mollie And cats clean up after themselves.

32 minutes ago via mobile · Like · 1

  • ·        

Jeanne My cat doesn't lick my face every time I get near her.

22 minutes ago · Like


Scott Sorry sis, your friend befuddled me with Dixie Carter's cleavage. And Jeanne your cat doesn't lick your face because it looks down on you and is planning your ultimate fate: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/.../Janet-Veal-56-gnawed-eaten...

Body of woman, 56, who collapsed and died in her home is gnawed and eaten by her own CATS on her...

www.dailymail.co.uk

The decomposing corpse of Janet Veal was discovered at her isolated home in Ring...See More

2 minutes ago · Like · Remove Preview

____________________________________________________________________________________

 


Like dogs never eat people. Hatred of our animal brethren during this Advent season? Family and friends torn apart? Mrs. G. suspects Jesus is not liking this. She would hate to see one home in California smote.

Mrs. G. is searching her heart for passion and mercy for this woman who put the feline Christmas card Mrs. G. sent her in the toilet. So far, she hasn't found any.

Aaryn Belfer, it's on.

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Reader Comments (26)

Oh the humanity!

December 10, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

I'm reading this in bed. My two cats are currently both sleeping on me. And I have a crosstitch picture of a Siamese cat on my wall that my grandma made for me. So yeah, I'm with the cat folk!

December 10, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSusan:)

My dog would totally eat my head. Except he's hoping I'll give him a treat first.

December 10, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

I took the cat side in this catfight, but my daughter adopted a dog this weekend and I'm in love.
And he really does poop in his crate.

Now, I will think of Scott every time my cat gets near my face. She loves to sniff my breath (especially minty fresh breath). Maybe she IS thinking of eating me!

Thanks for the entertainment tonight!

December 10, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJeanne

The best laugh ever.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermeredith@whynotpottery

DYING.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPatience

That's probably why MY Christmas cat card from YOU hasn't arrived yet, Mrs G: no doubt you misspelled "Gary" as "Erin" and my card ended up in California by accident. No way am I sending YOU a card until yours arrives here...no matter how years that takes.... ;)

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergary Rith

Tea came out of my nose while reading this one......and I have a cat that loves to lick my face and then bite me! He also like to perch on my shoulders when I am sitting. My sweatshirts liik like I have been peppered with bird shot!
Love ya!

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersmartcat

This made my morning, and its only 9am. Thanks ladies!

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRegina

I have a cat that likes to crawl up in my face in the early morning and sniff at it. It wakes me up and I feed her. I figure the first time that doesn't work, she will assume I am dead and start nibbling on toes. I don't take offense to this; a cat has to do what a cat has to do. I make sure I respond to the wake-up call.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

Tears are coming out of my eyes for the waste of your Forever stamp, Mrs. G. You two women are hysterical. Thanks for the laughs with my coffee. Dog lover but not cat hater.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

Brava!!!

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoni

Dogs and cats live together in perfect love. I would never flush your cat card, were I fortunate enough to receive one. Sniff.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

My cat tries to eat me if her bowl isn't full and I'm not even dead yet. I'm kind of terrified if I tripped and fell unconscious it wouldn't be the fall that killed me. I don't think it would be long before the Jack Russell joined in though. They love me, they just love food more.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLizzie

Ho ho ho!

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermolly

You know where I stand on this issue.

Signed, the co-curator of the Online Gallery of American Vernacular Cat Art

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSmalltown Me

Oh Jeanne-I wondered why my cats sniff my MOUTH!!! Euwww. And now I know. They are planning ahead for my demise and their subsequent dinner.
I'm keeping an eye on them.
Despite that, I with the cat lovers out there!!!

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterknittergran

You two need a duo column or radio show. But still my heart belongs to cats. I have a dog and I love him but he is.......well......dumb.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterfran

thanks immensely for that. epic, it is. xo to you both.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterbethany

I hate to stir up trouble in this sweet holiday-themed post, but there's a reason my old people named me the Lakota word for Coyote.

My cat and I have an understanding. If he goes first and I'm stranded without food, he's lunch. He feels the same way. It's a relationship.

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSungmanitu

ROFL! My cat thinks I'm crazy because I'm laughing so hard. I guess he'll tolerate me as long as I feed him and pet him and don't expect him to do anything silly like come when I call him. Thanks for the humor-- you all are great!

December 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDebbie in AZ

Who would want an animal that finds joy in eating poop?

December 12, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersusan

Couldn't stop laughing - thanks for the show!

December 12, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermartha.30004

So funny!! Thanks for the laughs

December 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Thanks for the belly laugh this morning--NEEDED IT!

December 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGreen Girl in Wisconsin

As the proud receiver of cat cards -- and the co-curator of the Online Gallery of American Vernacular Cat Art -- you know where I stand on this issue.
War? Cleopatra is now sharpening her nails.
Signed, the woman who proudly wears the Siamese Derf Kitty shirt

December 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren (formerly kcinnova)

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