Friday
Aug152014

Full Confessional Friday! 8/15/2014

Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister. 

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Reader Comments (41)

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life. I work in Ferguson, MO and live very close by. Enough said. In one hour and fifteen minutes I will be off work. I'm heading home and opening a bottle of wine. And I'm not sharing.

August 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

My god, what a week.

Jamie....hang in there.

Sad news from the outside world but fairly ok inside our four walls. Husband's job has become unbearable due to new owners and shitty management but he had a good job interview earlier this week. My siblings have been stepping up to help my Mom.

I've been working on a plan to rescue a large turtle in our condo pond with a fish hook stuck in it's beak. We have many NO FISHING signs but they are ignored to the point of one guy threatening our handyman when he told the guy to leave.

Hope everyone can have a stress-free weekend.

Confession - last week I drank A LOT of cheap mimosas at a dive bar, got hideously sick and had to sleep on my friends couch. It was like I had traveled back in time to being 18 again, in a bad way. A real bad humiliating way. But I guess if I didn't drive drunk, kept my clothes on, and didn't do anything inappropriate with a member of the opposite (or same) sex, I guess the only thing I lost was my dignity. Which if you see, direct it back to me, um kay?

I am making strides in the parenting of surly teenagers. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me.

It was my birthday and my husband got me a thoughtful gift that was just for me and could not be used for cleaning or chores and was not workout clothes. Yay! It is a vintage 1930's hair comb, the kind that has an art deco look and rhine stones. I'm in love....with that man.

Feeling good. Sending feeling good vibes to all the derfs out there.

August 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermolly

I had a date! First one in 18 years!!

(and I have another one tonight)

August 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

Thumbgate continues. Week three and the swelling is starting to recede and he has had no painkillers for the last two days - win. Saw specialist trauma physio this week, obviously freshly returned from a training course. Told me that we seemed to be "entering a conflict situation". I agreed we were and suggested she listen to what I was actually telling her about my son's injury and its previous treatment. She then told me she was bringing years of expertise to the table (no really, she said "to the table"!!). I think she may have been confusing expertise with experience.

However now that he has exercises to do he is and he is regaining mobility (very slowly).

Becca - woohoo!
Jamie - much love to you.

August 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commentertrash

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I sincerely hope that we are compatible and that she can help me get out of this quicksand of sadness and learn how to live a joyful life.

August 15, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersw

He went home in a huff and I don't know why and he will not answer. And now I'm going to spend the whole bloody weekend checking my phone for a meesage that's not coming.
Why is liking someone who returns your affection so bloody complicated

August 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaj

Our daughter just left for graduate school. She's been living at home with us for the past three years.
She struggled thru her senior year of college with a major depressive episode. Then she came home and kind of collapsed. And she and we and counselors and medication and family and community have worked to get her back. She's stopped taking her meds on schedule. ( If that doesn't work, she have to go back on and for the rest of her life). She is going off where she doesn't know any body to a program she wants and a good job. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm worried. I so want this to work out for her.

August 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnon this time

Molly: the parenting of surly teenagers and the drinking of mimosas go hand in hand.

We are going out of town for four days to help our oldest daughter move in for her senior year of college. I find it stressful when she is living here at home during the summer. It makes me sad to say that, but it is true.

On the same trip, we are also going to help my mother-in-law through cataract surgery. That is, if she is able to have the surgery after falling repeatedly and being moved to the nursing care unit. She is depressed, ornery, ungrateful, and full of nasty comments to my husband, who has done everything he possibly can to help her deal with her infirmities. May God help me to be a help to my husband dealing with her and to otherwise keep my mouth shut.

August 16, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCommon Household Mom

Lately, despite everything, life feels good. There are issues - the man is off caring for his mom, but we did finally get a diagnosis. Ever heard of vascular dementia? Not good, little warning and no fixes. Having a diagnosis helped immensely. The cat is still thin, I can feel her little bones, but she's eating, and beating me in the morning like a punching ball. When the monster beating you weighs a bit over five pounds, it's funny, so I wake up laughing around 7:15 every morning now. One brother - well, he's alive still, that's something. One sister . . . who knows - and that's a relief too. A niece is pregnant and not the married one, but she's old enough. The drama is going away, it's just life, and I'm living mine without taking on the problems of my family. Somehow, right now, I'm able to step back, show some empathy, and keep my mouth, mostly, shut.

Sounds like some of you are having intense times - cheap mimosas for all of us, pronto! Include a good friend with a couch in that order too.

May life treat all kindly this week.

August 16, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomi d.

This summer has not been good. We did not have the money to go anywhere. We did a couple of day trips to other places within driving distance. The girl had some camps so that made things nice for her. The boy is autistic and is hitting puberty, I think. He's 12. I hope it's something like that because he's been swinging from one emotion to the other giving us all whiplash. But it makes doing anything so difficult. Girl would like nothing more than to have friends over but Boy does not like outsiders in our house. So we try many things to make it work but we don't have friends over that often. Sadly others don't seem to invite Girl to their house. I am so sad for her. I don't know how to help her make/find friends.

And to top it all off, my house smells. Trying to get carpets cleaned to see if that helps.

August 16, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkellyg

Kellyg, are you close to any of the parents of your daughter's friends? Maybe you could call them up and ask. I think most parents would be understanding - I hope so. That's a difficult situation. Hope the boy's hormones level out quickly.

August 17, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomi d.

Last week, I finally did it. I called one of those "crisis hotlines" for abused women. I'm not physically being abused, but emotionally? Verbally? yeah. And he's purposely depriving me of sleep sometimes (waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me how mad he is of me, or to tell me to get up and do the thing he wanted me to do the day before, like move the trash cans out).
It was the single most personally scary thing I've ever done. I had to get a special password to use to call back the day of the appt. to get the address where to go. Then, on the day, I went to that address, only to be told that *that* wasn't the real place. They screen you there to make sure you haven't been followed etc. And then they showed me to the real place down the street. Gulp.
And there was a playground outside that was completely hidden from view so abusers can't find their wives/children. I was a gibbering panicking wreck by the time I got to the counselor's office.
Long and short of it all, I am just like them. We all are. Any woman who is afraid of her own husband is. I am not so special-snowflake that I cannot accept the help that is there, though. And that's ok. It's terrifying, but it's ok.
They offered to get me legal help, and will support me as I wade through this. I don't have to figure it all out myself.

Soon, I'll meet with their legal advocate and work out the next steps.
I figure, if I can do this, I can survive any damned thing.
But I will NEVER forget the haunted look in the other women's eyes (and my own) that day, and I will someday find a way to be an advocate. Now I understand better, so I can (someday) help better.

August 17, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranon for obvious reasons

Wow, Anon for obvious reasons. Good for you. I'm sure that was a very scary thing to do but kudos for you for doing it. Best of luck in getting out of that horrid situation. Let us know when you're able to live fear-free.

August 17, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter1Les

So much turmoil...
@Jamie, {{hugs}} to you.
@ anon for obvious reason, I am cheering you on! It takes tremendous courage to stand up for yourself and make the necessary changes, and I can only imagine how hard this step was for you to take. I'm so glad you took it. Keep us posted.
@kellyg, dealing with teens & puberty is tough enough already, adding things like autism to the mix makes you one incredible mama!
@CHM, I know some of what you are going through with that college kid. I've got one that also makes my summer less peaceful...
@anon this time, it's so hard to let our kids make those choices.

My 21yo is going back to college this week without glasses -- both pair broken/missing a lens and he put off taking care of it -- and no meds because he failed to put in a request for a refill. He says he's going to do school on coffee, but he had a failing semester doing just that already. My confession is that I berated him thoroughly for these choices.
The fridge is pretty bare tonight, but a trip to the store would have involved putting on a bra. And pants. Not gonna happen. So I'm watching cooking shows on PBS while eating guacamole and chips.

August 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren (formerly kcinnova)

I am making a vow to stop becoming the repository of used furniture that I willingly collect in case son, daughter, niece, etc. move out and start a household. Was looking at the clutter in my house right now and realize that I'm one of my worst enemies. Several big things I took in (besides a cat) "just in case" someone needs it. With my daughter and grand daughter moving in, along with their stuff......my OCD tendancies are pinging. I figure it will be a year of two before they are on their feet, I've got to stop gathering more. JUST SAY NO.

Was watching the grand yesterday, feel like crap I think due to allergies/sinus/whatever....most went well, then I was meaner than a bag of weasels (quoting my inner Maeve Binchy)...everything she did, I snapped. Need to give her a big hug today and tell her I love her....

August 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTrudy

@ Jamie - hugs to you. Big hugs

@ Karen - More hugs, because parenting kids with these issues is tough stuff. But good for you on letting a few things go and just eating the guac and chips.

@ Anon for obvious reasons - Bravo. It is terribly hard to explain to another soul how awful a marriage can still be when there isn't any violence present. I divorced a little over 5 years ago. Everyone but a very few friends thought I was crazy to leave him, crazy to be willing to give it all up, house, retirement, savings, everything. But as soon as my little girl and I moved into a tiny rental house, we both exhaled. There was laughter and joy and relief. And while divorce is tough, and remaking your life is difficult, and there may be a lot of attempts to publicly shame or belittle you for failing at marriage....it was worth it. I would do it all over again. If you get to a point where you need to talk more about this, post a thread in Derf Assist. I know you are getting a lot of help now, but if you need more, let us try.

@ Becca - Whoot!

@ anon this time - I really hope she maintains, I really do.

And all and everyone, thanks for showing up here all the time, it makes a difference.

August 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermolly

It's Friday...I'm in love...!!!

August 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

It's not just Friday, Becca, it's a three day weekend Friday! Dreamed of my perfect studio, but it required finding my way through a maze to get to it. Priests and nuns continuously misdirected me, not necessarily purposefully, but nonetheless, I was lost. Finally, after a sniper shot many of them, I realized workers in the kitchen would know and escaped. The chefs, the helpers, told me how to get to my studio and I found it again, better than before. Hmmm. Looking at new studio space right now - could ya tell?

Hey! Anon for Obvious Reasons, been wondering about you. Hope all is going well. When you're up for it, let us know.

August 29, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomid.

Hello!
I'm doing ok. I went back to the women's shelter and talked to the advocate. She talked me through several things, including:
What could happen (different scenarios) when I tell him
HOW to tell him to minimize risk
Safety plans in case it all goes to shit
Things I need to do to prepare (get financial info, SS cards for me and kids, etc.)

She set me up with an appt w/a pro bono lawyer, too. Sept. 9.

And most of all, she looked me in the eyes and reminded me to take care of myself during all of this. Meditation, yoga, reading (not scary stuff), whatever. And she told me that SHE BELIEVED ME and that no matter what, she (or someone from the shelter) would ALWAYS be available. Always. 24/7.

That's a really really great feeling.

AND??? Get this. A job in my field of work just opened up that is a FULL TIME, w/BENEFITS job. That is incredibly rare. Most are per diem or part time. I applied and I need all the powers of the universe to work with me here, because if I can get a full time benefitted job, I AM OUT. Because my biggest worry will be solved. It doesn't even have to pay particularly well. Just consistently, and with benefits.

So, Derfs, send your vibes to me. I need them badly.

September 1, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranon for obvious reasons

Anon for obvious... you have my vibes and prayers and crossed fingers coming your way! for the job, and all other issues. I have a feeling you are in for some blessings coming your way.

September 1, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBj

Anon for obvious reasons, you've got those vibes and prayers going out for you! ♥
I'm glad you went back and are following through with the advocate/shelter/your needs.

September 1, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren (formerly kcinnova)

@anon for obvious reasons: Thinking of you and wishing you all the best! *Hugs*

September 2, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter~annie

"Anon" life is confirming your actions. Thanks for the updates. Oh, and YAY!

September 3, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomid.

Oh yes, anon for obvious reasons, yes, there are lots of us in your corner! Some of us understand a little too well the challenges you face. Per the advice you have been given, do take special care of yourself, and absolutely tons of good vibes are headed out your way.

September 4, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranother sue

Anon...you are in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs to you across the miles!!

September 4, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDiane Carol

My sister's step-son committed suicide today. I watched this young man grow up along side my own children. He was a sensitive soul and got a lot of crap in life. I don't know the details yet, but I'm hurting for my sister and brother-in-law, for us all.

We are the only species that kills ourselves. Predicting who/when someone will commit suicide is kind of like trying to predict earthquakes. We know it will eventually happen, but we can never predict the details of where or when. I so wish we could help each other better.

September 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAngeline

Angeline, I'm sorry. Suicides are harder to accept than other deaths, though the outcome is the same. I've suffered the loss of too many choosing their end, but I've learned, mostly, that it is from a damaged mind, a suffering spirit, and sometimes the only solace is that final cessation. At that moment, few are conscious that others love them. It takes time, but I must remember that life is not lived on a line; it blossoms out in a fullness that gets only deeper, so that moment of loss cannot define that person. Each of us is more than our last breath - we are our conversations with friends, arguments with family, laughter, love, hugs, swimming in a lake, climbing over rocks, holding hands, glaring at the loud table next to us, watching a baby sleep, watching a parent sleep, petting a cat or dog. You and your family are hurting now; I've felt that pain. It will take years, but the joy is there - the joy helped create that pain through the love this child brings out in others. If you can, write down the wonderful moments, even those that seem small, and perhaps give it to your sister and brother-in-law, and perhaps they'll do the same. Peace.

September 6, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomid.

DERFS!
Sit down! I didn't get the job I applied for. BUT.
A woman from the local HUGE ENORMOUS AMAZING university texted me. She's in charge of the student/faculty health center. She got my name from a woman she trusts who had gotten a massage from me and just LOVED it. and...
They're starting a brand new massage service at the uni, and I'm it! I didn't even have to apply. They called me, wanting me. And I came in, gave a brief massage tothe nurse in charge.
She was dumbfounded. She said it was like I had killed her stress dead in its tracks.
Starting half-time, but the goal??? Is FULL TIME, with SALARY, WITH BENEFITS. And I get to do other things besides just massaging. I will get to go out into the university and (for instance) give informal classes at the dorms on how to give your roommate a massage. Or lead meditations. Or whatever.
She literally said, "Write me a list of things you want in your massage suite, and we'll get on that."
WHAT? They are renovating some former doctor offices for the massage/energy work/relaxation center. I will have input.
I START IN OCTOBER.
I am ... beyond happy. The universe has been telling me to trust. To just believe that finally, somehow, my goodness and kindness and healing energy would be embraced.
I actually am having a hard time believing this. Even at 1/2 time, I'm going to make TWICE what I'm making now, with HALF the hours. It's like ... are you kidding me? And the drive is like 12 minutes each way. I could actually ride my bike.

September 6, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranon for obvious reasons

Anon for obvious reasons! What an awesome story! Sounds like you are over-the-moon with delight. The universe, the vibes and everything else have turned in your favor. I'm so happy for you.

September 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBj

That's great! Thanks for updating us.

September 7, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomid.

Minnesota Matron has a book on The Today's Show website, I remember her as a derf at one time. Can we give her a shout out? The book is titled The End of Magic and was self published by her son. Cool story.
http://www.today.com/parents/book-mom-get-amazing-surprise-her-teenage-son-1D80137607

September 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLizzie

What a beautiful story, Marie Petrie!! An exceptional boy, that "he who cannot be named"! A heart-warming story all around. Congratulations to all of you.

September 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCarolyn

Sorry I misspelled your name, Mary!

September 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCarolyn

Angeline, what a heart-breaking trauma for your family. I'm so sorry. And I'm so grateful that Naomi was here to read and offer comfort from a position of knowing what it is like to lose a loved one (too many loved ones) in this way.

I love this place for the support we can give each other. Thank you for that, Mrs. G.

Anon for obv. reasons, I am grateful for the way that your desperate prayers have been answered. We're building you a custom massage suite at the Women's Colony.

September 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren (formerly kcinnova)

It is a good group. I'm hoping that West Coast gathering occurred, and we get a report soon. Best to all.

September 16, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomid.

I continue to check in daily....miss everyone!

September 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDiane Carol

Me too......

September 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commentertrudy

Me, three....

September 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

Busy with school here and not here very often but stopped in to see if anything is going on. I bet Mrs. G is up to her eyeballs in school work herself. So hard to have time for extra stuff when you're in school.

Anon, if you see this..... Yay you!! I hope that everything is going well.

And to all the other Derfs..... HAPPY FRIDAY!!

September 19, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLisaWinKS

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